Y’all Welcome The Return Of My Muse…


Ugly cuss, ain’t he?

Hey, you guys in the back..yeah, you! Why are you heading for the exits? Get your butts back in here! You’re parents of young children, you say? You’ve had enough of Barney to last a lifetime, you say?

Waaaaaahhh.

Hey, at least you could barricade yourselves in your bedroom and venture out only long enough to rewind the frickin’ tape. You had the occasional opportunity to escape Barney.

I’ve had to play Barney.

Yeah, I win. And because I have a knack for mimicry, the inability to say “no,” and the sense of humor of a seven-year-old, I have subsequently been asked to play Mickey Mouse, the Easter Bunny, SpongeBob Squarepants and, on two occasions, Winnie the Pooh.

A co-worker used to badger me into serving as birthday entertainment for her kids and their circle of friends. Since I’ve known Co-Worker since we were kids (and because she has really hot single Mom friends), I always found myself unable to say no.

*sigh*

Do you have any idea how many children are afraid of clowns, folks? Pretty much each and every kid under age four, that’s who. Add in the older ones who have seen Stephen King’s It, and you have a very small age window wherein kids are still enchanted by a big goofy guy with a red glitter wig, whiteface makeup, big floppy shoes, and a talent for making balloon animals.

Seems like the only demographic still enchanted by clowns is single mothers under age thirty five. And thank God for that, folks. Ambulance Driver needs a private life, too. But lately the nanny state seems intent on curtailing even that.

It’s getting to where a guy can’t get his swerve on anywhere.

But, I digress. We were talking about the kiddies.

When you’re a five-year-old and it’s your birthday, nothing spells F-U-N like a visit from a seven foot purple dinosaur. Once you’ve had your Barney-shaped cake served on Barney plates, you’re tanked up on caffeine and sugar cleverly disguised as grape soda served in cute little Barney glasses, you’ve whacked the bejeebers out of your Barney pinata, played pin the tail on Barney (and accidentally stuck your hostess in the ass with the pin, but Ambulance Driver will be glad to personally attend to that), and played with all your cool Barney swag, all that’s missing is the pièce de résistance – an appearance from The Dinosaur Himself.

Enter Ambulance Driver, stage left:

Hostess: (at her enthusiastic best) “Oh, now who could that be at the door, children?”

Children: (collectively in the throes of an incoherent, bug-eyed sugar frenzy) “Aaaaiiiieeeee!”…”Mom, he took my Barney!”…”Did NOT!”…”Did TOO!”…”I’m tiiiiiirrred”…”I want more cake!”…”I gotta go potty!”…”Me too!”…”I want more cake!”…”Give me back my Barney!” …”MINE!”… MORE CAKE, MORE CAKE, MORE CAKE!”…” Uh oh, I don’t need to potty no more”… “Eeeewwww, GROSS!”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (waiting patiently outside the door for someone to lead me inside, because I can’t see a damned thing through the Barney head)

Hostess: (louder) “I said, who can that be at the door?”

Ambulance Driver: (totally oblivious, still waiting patiently for my cue because I can’t hear anything through the damned head either)

Children: “Waaaaahhh!”…”He HIT me!”….”Well, you took my Barney!”… “Did NOT!”…”Did TOO!”… “I don’t feeeeel good. My tummy hurts! I’m gonna – UUUURRRRP! – throw up. Sorry, Mrs. Johnson…”

Hostess: (screaming in exasperation) “Oh for the love of Pete, COME ON IN, BARNEY!”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (throwing open the door, accidentally knocking over an unwary toddler in the process) “Hyuck hyuck! Hello, boys and girls! Iiiiitttt’s Barney! Hyuck hyuck!”

Children: “Aiiiieeeee” - instant silence. The wail of an aggrieved toddler pierces the stillness. The only thing missing is the music from High Plains Drifter – “Wooooweeoooweeeooooo…wah wah waaahhh…”

Hostess: (gushing enthusiastically as she scoops up the injured tyke) “Oooooh, look everybody! It’s Barney! Isn’t that great?”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: “Hyuck hyuck! Just thought I’d time travel from the Cretaceous period to pacify you little monsters! Hyuck Hyuck! Now where’s the Birthday Boy? Hyuck hyuck!”

Hostess: (cuffing Barney on the back of the head) “What he meant was, he just came here to help Justin celebrate his birthday! Isn’t that right, Barney?

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (shifting left out of swatting distance) “Well, suuurre! Now who wants to sing the Barney Song? Hyuck hyuck!”

Children: (Still silent, moving like an uneasy herd of cattle to the far corner of the room.)

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (shuffling around doing my best Barney dance) “I love you, you love me, we’re a hap-py fam-i-lee…”

Every child under age five: (stampeding for the exits) “Aaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!”

Hostess: (lassoing the birthday boy as she sings the chorus with a look of grim determination) “With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you…”

Birthday Boy: (going apeshit like the kid on The Omen as they approached the cathedral) “Don’t wanna…don’t wanna….DON’T WANNA…AAAAAAAGGGHHH!”

Kid Way Too Old For This Party: (eyeing me suspiciously and pointing) “That’s not Barney! That’s a man in a Barney costume! I can see the eyes behind the screen in Barney’s mouth!”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (cuffing the little delinquent upside the head) “Shaddup, ya’ little goober, or Barney’ll squash ya! You’re ruining it for the other kids! Hyuck hyuck!”

Kid Way Too Old For This Party: (wailing piteously and running for his Mommy, who has wisely retired to the back porch with the other Mommies to medicate themselves with margaritas in their cute little Barney cups) “Aaaaaaagh! Barney hit me!”

Kid’s Mom: (absently) “That’s nice, sweetie. Now fetch Mommy another glass of Barney punch from the special pitcher.”

Hostess: (with an insane leer and a facial tic) “Now won’t you say you love me toooo…”

Birthday Boy: (gnawing through his mother’s arm and escaping to take refuge with the other kids cowering on the other side of the room) “Aaaaaaaaggghhhh! MAKE HIM GO AWAY!”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (recognizing my cue to leave) “Weeeellll, so long kiddies! Hyuck hyuck! Barney has a hot date with Baby Bop, so I’ll be seein’ ya! Uhhhh…could someone please guide Barney to the door because Barney can’t see anything below his waist and might accidentally trample a kiddie! Hyuck hyuck!”

Adorable Little Toddler: (hugging Barney’s leg) “I wuv you, Bawney!”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (reaching down to ruffle the little tyke’s hair and knocking him on his ass in the process) “Awwww, Barney loves you too, Little Fella!”

Hostess: (scooping up the crying toddler and shooing me out the door) “Well, wasn’t that fun! Buh-bye now, Barney!”

Ambulance Driver/Barney: (defensively) “Hey, I told you I have no depth perception in these damned costu-”

*SLAM!*

Sympathetic Dad: (waving me over to a small cluster of men taking refuge in a cloud of barbecue smoke) “Have a burger and a beer, Barney. You look like you could use one.”

  • Matt G

    Dammit. Two rules: We don’t laugh at Barney, and we don’t laugh at slapstick. And you just made me violate both of ‘em. FWIW, those 30 minute Barney vids make decent distraction devices for nosey little toddlers when Mommy and Daddy need some Quiet Time Alone. Damned theme song has now developed a disturbing Pavlovian response in more than a few couples.

  • Matt G

    Dammit. Two rules: We don’t laugh at Barney, and we don’t laugh at slapstick. And you just made me violate both of ‘em. FWIW, those 30 minute Barney vids make decent distraction devices for nosey little toddlers when Mommy and Daddy need some Quiet Time Alone. Damned theme song has now developed a disturbing Pavlovian response in more than a few couples.

  • Theodwyn

    THATWASHILARIOUS!!!

  • Theodwyn

    THATWASHILARIOUS!!!

  • MonkeyGirl

    ROFLMAO!!! Welcome back. My keyboard missed my coffee. Now they’re re-acquainted.I’m trying to decide if the Clown Porn link was funny or disturbing. Funny’s winning.

  • MonkeyGirl

    ROFLMAO!!! Welcome back. My keyboard missed my coffee. Now they’re re-acquainted.I’m trying to decide if the Clown Porn link was funny or disturbing. Funny’s winning.

  • CD

    Haha, fantastic.Hot single moms, adoring toddlers and the chance to clobber brats, all in the guise of a large, brightly coloured talking dinosaur.Funny how more people haven’t thought of it :-)

  • CD

    Haha, fantastic.Hot single moms, adoring toddlers and the chance to clobber brats, all in the guise of a large, brightly coloured talking dinosaur.Funny how more people haven’t thought of it :-)

  • Kimberly

    *SIGH* *placing my head, face down on the desk* Oh my god.It’s been 10 years or so since I’ve forced myself to watch Barney. I threw out those tapes, later blaming it on the “puppy must’ve taken them under the house”. Damn dog, he also took all the baby bottles too. Somehow it was alright if the puppy took it. But there is one song that I still sing, and it bugs the hell out of my teenagers. The Clean Up song. Yeah, it kinda makes me sick too, but they clean up just so I will stop singing.You are so funny AD. I sometimes worry about you. lolKim

  • Kimberly

    *SIGH* *placing my head, face down on the desk* Oh my god.It’s been 10 years or so since I’ve forced myself to watch Barney. I threw out those tapes, later blaming it on the “puppy must’ve taken them under the house”. Damn dog, he also took all the baby bottles too. Somehow it was alright if the puppy took it. But there is one song that I still sing, and it bugs the hell out of my teenagers. The Clean Up song. Yeah, it kinda makes me sick too, but they clean up just so I will stop singing.You are so funny AD. I sometimes worry about you. lolKim

  • HollyB

    I am SUCH a Lucky Woman! My chirrens were too old for Barney! Yeah ME! My Son did like dinos tho, so I got him a tee of a T-Rex with a toothpick and the caption, ” I Loved Barney”. He wore it all the time. He has a sick sense of humor, too.

  • HollyB

    I am SUCH a Lucky Woman! My chirrens were too old for Barney! Yeah ME! My Son did like dinos tho, so I got him a tee of a T-Rex with a toothpick and the caption, ” I Loved Barney”. He wore it all the time. He has a sick sense of humor, too.

  • Hammer

    Yep you just described the typical 4 year old birthday.The kids would have enjoyed barney more if they drank out of the special pitcher ;)

  • Hammer

    Yep you just described the typical 4 year old birthday.The kids would have enjoyed barney more if they drank out of the special pitcher ;)

  • LawDog

    “I hate you,You hate me.Let’s tie Barney to a treeTake a great big shotgun and shoot ‘im in the head.Oops! I’m sorry. Barney’s dead.”I absolutely loathe that prehistoric purple pathological pervert.

  • LawDog

    that prehistoric purple pathological pervert.

  • Jay G

    My kids are partial to “The Simpsons”. So rather than have to endure hour after hour of Barney, I have to constantly explain things like “underachiever” and “carbon blob”.It’s a trade-off I’m happy to make…

  • Jay G

    My kids are partial to “The Simpsons”. So rather than have to endure hour after hour of Barney, I have to constantly explain things like “underachiever” and “carbon blob”.It’s a trade-off I’m happy to make…

  • Loving Annie

    Ha-ha ! And I have to admit to a sympathetic snicker !You’ve got a heart of gold, AD, er, ‘barney’ !!!Thank you for making me glad I don’t have any kids !Clown porn ???? Oh, give me a break – some people have waaaaay too much time on their hands !Finished your book last night, ‘kelly’, and really enjoyed reading it.

  • Loving Annie

    Ha-ha ! And I have to admit to a sympathetic snicker !You’ve got a heart of gold, AD, er, ‘barney’ !!!Thank you for making me glad I don’t have any kids !Clown porn ???? Oh, give me a break – some people have waaaaay too much time on their hands !Finished your book last night, ‘kelly’, and really enjoyed reading it.

  • Babs RN

    The very best day of my life EVER: Me: “Why don’t you like that daycare?”Kids: “Because they show Barney over there and Barney is STUPID!”Me (with arms extended, hands in fists facing upward, bringing arms back in toward me in a quick snap): YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Babs RN

    The very best day of my life EVER: Me: “Why don’t you like that daycare?”Kids: “Because they show Barney over there and Barney is STUPID!”Me (with arms extended, hands in fists facing upward, bringing arms back in toward me in a quick snap): YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ambulance Driver

    “Damned theme song has now developed a disturbing Pavlovian response in more than a few couples.”ROFLMAO…Okay, anybody that knows Matt in Meatspace:Sing the Barney song to him next time you see him…and then invite him to stand up.

  • Ambulance Driver

    “Damned theme song has now developed a disturbing Pavlovian response in more than a few couples.”ROFLMAO…Okay, anybody that knows Matt in Meatspace:Sing the Barney song to him next time you see him…and then invite him to stand up.

  • shooter

    I got ya beat, AD! I spent the entire month of October 2000 wrapped up in a “Bear In The Big Blue House” costume. I worked for Disney at the time, so this was no flea market knock-off outfit. I didn’t have a pitcher of ‘magic potion’ waiting for me at the end of the day either.

  • shooter

    I got ya beat, AD! I spent the entire month of October 2000 wrapped up in a “Bear In The Big Blue House” costume. I worked for Disney at the time, so this was no flea market knock-off outfit. I didn’t have a pitcher of ‘magic potion’ waiting for me at the end of the day either.

  • Matt G

    “Sing the Barney song to him next time you see him… and then invite him to stand up.”I ain’t skeerd– I’m proud. What’s funny is how, um –charged– my wife gets from me singing the “Clean Up Song” while actually cleaning up the house. Clean Up! Clean Up! Every-Body do their share! Clean Up!Clean Up! Everybody, everywhere!Yeah, baby, yea!

  • Matt G

    Yeah, baby, yea!

  • C. Brian

    Wouldn’t that be the music from “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”?Love the blog. Read it daily.Now take two spaghetti westerns and blog tomorrow morning.

  • C. Brian

    Wouldn’t that be the music from “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”?Love the blog. Read it daily.Now take two spaghetti westerns and blog tomorrow morning.

  • Bob

    My kids’ favorite song: “It happened one day in the studio, dancing around in a do si do. The purple monstrosity was waving his arms. We were falling victim to his evil charms. He brushed against a candle and he started to smoke, and now we’re all laughing at the dinosaur joke. Oh boy, Barney’s on fire. This is what we’ve always desired! We’ll help the flames get higher, but don’t you try to put it out!”

  • Bob

    My kids’ favorite song: “It happened one day in the studio, dancing around in a do si do. The purple monstrosity was waving his arms. We were falling victim to his evil charms. He brushed against a candle and he started to smoke, and now we’re all laughing at the dinosaur joke. Oh boy, Barney’s on fire. This is what we’ve always desired! We’ll help the flames get higher, but don’t you try to put it out!”

  • Anonymous

    “Clown porn ???? Oh, give me a break – some people have waaaaay too much time on their hands!”UUHHH, That stuff on their hands isn’t “Time”. ;^)

  • Anonymous

    “Clown porn ???? Oh, give me a break – some people have waaaaay too much time on their hands!”UUHHH, That stuff on their hands isn’t “Time”. ;^)

  • night lightning woman

    Okay, okay. maybe you aren’t just Law Dog’s alternative persona. Maybe you are also Crystal’s. Laughed myself silly. God, I hope someone took pictures.

  • night lightning woman

    Okay, okay. maybe you aren’t just Law Dog’s alternative persona. Maybe you are also Crystal’s. Laughed myself silly. God, I hope someone took pictures.

  • Kimberly

    Matt G~~ Honey pie, you got the verses reversed. It’s ~~clean up!clean up! Everybody everywhere!clean up!clean up!Everybody do their share.lolKim

  • Kimberly

    Matt G~~ Honey pie, you got the verses reversed. It’s ~~clean up!clean up! Everybody everywhere!clean up!clean up!Everybody do their share.lolKim

  • Brandon

    Hysterical!!

  • Brandon

    Hysterical!!

  • Anonymous

    I believe that this story goes right up there with the Bunny suit/Flasher story you told in an earlier meme and LawDog’s as of yet unfinished Pink Gorilla Story. There’s just something terribly wonderfully twisted and kinky about lusting after a woman while dressed as Barney.Very nice!Sarah

  • Anonymous

    I believe that this story goes right up there with the Bunny suit/Flasher story you told in an earlier meme and LawDog’s as of yet unfinished Pink Gorilla Story. There’s just something terribly wonderfully twisted and kinky about lusting after a woman while dressed as Barney.Very nice!Sarah

  • Beth

    My God. I think I’ve BEEN to that party. Hell, I think I’ve even THROWN that party.Blek! Hate those memories.

  • Beth

    My God. I think I’ve BEEN to that party. Hell, I think I’ve even THROWN that party.Blek! Hate those memories.

  • Jean

    Hysterical! but… just another reinforcement of my decision to remain child free. Thanks!

  • Jean

    Hysterical! but… just another reinforcement of my decision to remain child free. Thanks!

  • Christina

    I lost quite a few of the best years of my life to Barney.But I have to admit I cheered when “Magical, Musical Adventure” came out, because it was a full hour long. As my kids were 5, 3, and 3, respectively, at that time, an hour of peace and quiet was priceless.I guess I’m an evil Mom, because I’ve never done the party in my house thing. Just McDonald’s, Chuck E. Cheese, and the movie theater!

  • Christina

    I lost quite a few of the best years of my life to Barney.But I have to admit I cheered when “Magical, Musical Adventure” came out, because it was a full hour long. As my kids were 5, 3, and 3, respectively, at that time, an hour of peace and quiet was priceless.I guess I’m an evil Mom, because I’ve never done the party in my house thing. Just McDonald’s, Chuck E. Cheese, and the movie theater!

  • Scott

    Very, very funny! So, did you get a date with any of those single mommies?

  • Scott

    Very, very funny! So, did you get a date with any of those single mommies?

  • John McElveen

    Damn- I wore brand new Purple Scrubs to work and was called Barney and Heard it through the Grapevine all day long!Who the hell is Barney? Barney Fife??Purple my ass.LOLJ

  • John McElveen

    Damn- I wore brand new Purple Scrubs to work and was called Barney and Heard it through the Grapevine all day long!Who the hell is Barney? Barney Fife??Purple my ass.LOLJ

  • Anonymous

    Ok, I know this was originally posted back in May, but I’m new to your blog and still catching up on your previous posts. Great writing! But damn you,…!Do you know how hard it is to hold onto a sleeping 3 week old while laughing so hard that tears are coating the inside of your glasses? All the while thinking about the 3 year old brother who will eventually want a “cool” birthday party. Just… damn you… that was funny!Oh as an aside, do you remember looking at your daughter as an infant, in that wonderful contorted posture they seem to love so much, and wonder how they can breath with their chins tucked into their armpits! Just Amazing!Keep on Writing!

  • Anonymous

    Ok, I know this was originally posted back in May, but I’m new to your blog and still catching up on your previous posts. Great writing! But damn you,…!Do you know how hard it is to hold onto a sleeping 3 week old while laughing so hard that tears are coating the inside of your glasses? All the while thinking about the 3 year old brother who will eventually want a “cool” birthday party. Just… damn you… that was funny!Oh as an aside, do you remember looking at your daughter as an infant, in that wonderful contorted posture they seem to love so much, and wonder how they can breath with their chins tucked into their armpits! Just Amazing!Keep on Writing!

  • The Bad LT

    Check out The Jihad to Destroy Barney on the World Wide Web: http://www.jihad.net/

  • The Bad LT

    Check out The Jihad to Destroy Barney on the World Wide Web: http://www.jihad.net/

  • Eclectic Wonder

    Too funny!!! ROFL

  • Eclectic Wonder

    Too funny!!! ROFL

  • Eclectic Wonder

    Too funny!!! ROFL

  • Eclectic Wonder

    Too funny!!! ROFL

  • tgtsmom

    I don’t know if you’ll even get this comment a year and a half after you blogged this but I had to share. My son has a ringtone on his cell phone called “Elmo kills Barney”. It is even funnier since the purple monstrosity was his favorite critter from 3 to 7. He even had the stuffed barney to sleep with. Love your blogs. Keep up the great verse.

  • tgtsmom

    I don’t know if you’ll even get this comment a year and a half after you blogged this but I had to share. My son has a ringtone on his cell phone called “Elmo kills Barney”. It is even funnier since the purple monstrosity was his favorite critter from 3 to 7. He even had the stuffed barney to sleep with. Love your blogs. Keep up the great verse.

  • tgtsmom

    I don’t know if you’ll even get this comment a year and a half after you blogged this but I had to share. My son has a ringtone on his cell phone called “Elmo kills Barney”. It is even funnier since the purple monstrosity was his favorite critter from 3 to 7. He even had the stuffed barney to sleep with. Love your blogs. Keep up the great verse.

  • tgtsmom

    I don’t know if you’ll even get this comment a year and a half after you blogged this but I had to share. My son has a ringtone on his cell phone called “Elmo kills Barney”. It is even funnier since the purple monstrosity was his favorite critter from 3 to 7. He even had the stuffed barney to sleep with. Love your blogs. Keep up the great verse.

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Kelly Grayson

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