This Is Why I Signed Up To Be A Lifesaver…


Somewhere, in an unnamed town, in a small rural hospital (cough*Podunk General*cough) in the middle of nowhere, in a totally generic Emergency Department, there may or may not be the following patients right now:

A man with an ingrown toenail. For the past month. He doesn’t have a primary care physician, and says he doesn’t need one. He just comes to the ER for the rare occasions he needs medical care, like for ingrown toenails. Three times this year, as a matter of fact. To the ER. For the same ingrown toenail. I’m thinking it’s time for an amputation.

A patient who came from the psych rehab unit for intractable seizures. He has the remarkable ability to convulse for five minutes, yet still follow verbal commands the entire time, and wake right up and hold a lucid conversation! Oh yeah, and he keeps wanting to know when he’s gonna get his Ativan. [Side note: Peeing your pants doesn’t convince me you’re having a seizure. It merely means you’re a dedicated faker. And I appreciate the performance, really. Two thumbs up!]

A nineteen year old girl with cramps and vaginal bleeding. She’s had this condition before. About twenty-three days ago, in fact. And again twenty-three days before that. It’s spooky how these symptoms return so regularly. It’s almost, I dunno, like it’s on a cycle or something! Weird.

A really sick little old man who has been progressively worsening over the past two weeks. Right now we’re struggling to keep up his BP, and he’s got a wicked anion gap acidosis going. I keep bribing his nurse to switch patients with me.

A woman with an abscessed spider bite. It’s right in the crack of her ass. So were the last three. Funny how the spider always bites her in the same place. It’s amazing how spiders are attracted to places where, judging from the looks of things, washcloths and toilet paper fear to tread.

A man with upper respiratory symptoms. He was here last night and was diagnosed with bronchitis. He didn’t get his prescription for antibiotics filled until this morning, so he has only taken one dose, about four hours ago. He hasn’t gotten any better. He thinks the antibiotics may not be strong enough.

A kid with ant bites all over his feet. Sure enough, there’s probably a dozen little papules down there. He’s a little fussy. Oh, by the way, they’re 48 hours old, and he has absolutely no other symptoms. And no, Mom hasn’t given him any Children’s Tylenol or Motrin. I want a Polaroid so I can give this woman a picture of what a $500 dose of Tylenol looks like. Of course, she could always take the picture herself at home. It’s the same stuff.

Yep, another day spent saving lives and stamping out disease and pestilence. That’s just how I roll, people.

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