Save the Whales

Setting: The living room of Deputy Dawg, de facto headquarters of the Pine Street Mafia.

The Players: Ambulance Driver, Ex Wife, Husband-In-Law, Deputy Dawg and his Long Suffering Wife, and by way of DVD, Tony Horton.

Extras: Assorted spawn of the aforementioned Players, plus a few curious neighbors who wandered in to watch the show.

The Plot: The members of the Pine Street Mafia, in an effort to fend off obesity, have entered into a pact. Together, they will support each other in their efforts to eat healthy, exercise, and generally avoid impending fat-assitude. To that end, Husband-In-Law has procured a copy of the P90X Home Fitness System, in which we will become lean, ripped and sexxay by confusing our muscles with a variety of high-intensity, low impact… whatever. Just reading that shit makes me tired. Tonight’s scene is the preliminary stretching video which, as best I can tell, is a combination of yoga poses and exercises intended to convince Gitmo detainees into giving up the location of Bin Laden’s hideout. Hilarity ensues.

**********

Ambulance Driver (dubiously): “I’m not sure about this. I’m already dealing with a pulled muscle in my back…”

Ex Wife: “A little gentle stretching would do your back good. Just do the exercises you’re comfortable with.”

AD: “Just the exercises I’m comfortable with? Okay then, I’ll work the remote.”

Husband In Law (scornfully): “Pussy.”

Deputy Dawg: “Come on guys, it’s just stretching. How hard could it be?”

*ten minutes later*

AD: “Pant, wheeze, groan. So what do they call this pose again?”

DD: “At the jail, we called it ‘I’m Ready For My Body Cavity Search, Officer’.”

HIL (whimpering): “Okay I take it back. You’re not a pussy. Or maybe I am, too.”

Tony Horton: “Okay now, extend your arms in front of you, fingers spread… now draaaag your hands back to your chest as if you’re pulling them through concrete…”

KatyBeth: “Hey cool, spirit fingers!”

AD (snappishly): “I got yer spirit fingers. In fact, I’ve got two spirit fingers right – ”

LSW (mortified): “Aydee!”

EW (calmly): “KatyBeth, leave the room. Go play with the other kids.”

KatyBeth: “But why is Daddy crying?”

DD: “Because Daddy’s a pus- … er, wimp.”

AD: “Daddy’s not crying, sweetie. But if Daddy were crying, it would probably be for the same reasons you cried when I stretched you this way. It hurts.”

EW (snapping): “Would y’all shut up? We’re supposed to be changing positions.”

Tony Horton: “Okay, so now we’re kneeling, knees hip-width apart… heels of your hands on your pelvis, fingers on your buttocks… now aaaarch your back…”

AD: “So what do they call this one?”

LSW: “I think he said it was The Camel.”

AD: “Bactrian camel or dromedary? Because I’m so freakin’ knotted up I’ve got two humps.”

LSW: “Speaking of Camels…”

DD (sternly): “If I can’t have ice cream, you can’t have a smoke break!”

HIL (who can’t even reach his buttocks): “Okay, time for a break. Somebody said something about ice cream?”

*ten more minutes*

DD (purple-faced, with vein throbbing prominently in center of forehead): “Dear sweet merciful Jesus. How much more of this?”

EW (encouragingly): “Only forty more minutes!”

HIL: “Mommy, make the bad man stop.”

LSW: “So what do they call this pose?”

DD: “Damned if I know. I haven’t been able to see the television for the last five minutes.”

Tony Horton (disgustingly perspiration-free): “Okay, and relaaaaaax. Now shake it out, everybody get loose… ”

AD (groaning): “The only thing loose is my stools. And my back is worse, not better.”

HIL (to Ex Wife): “How the hell are you managing to do these?”

AD (grinning evilly): “She’s always been flexible. Ask me how I know.”

EW (warningly): “All right now…”

AD (innocently): “What? I was just gonna tell him about the time you bet me you could kick your foot over my shoulder!”

EW (snapping): “Nobody needs to hear that story, either!”

AD: “Took her three tries, HIL, but she did it. Then she lost her balance, fell back and wiped out our glider rocker… ”

EW (doing her best to ignore me): “Um, can anyone else not hear the television?”

AD: “… spent three hours in the ER afterwards, then two days at home on a heating pad, gobbling ibuprofen. Couldn’t even wipe her own – ”

EW (loudly, and just a little desperately): “Hey look, everybody! Position change!”

DD: “Thank. God. Somebody help me up.”

AD (smacking DD on the ass): “Who’s your daddy? Whooooo’s yo daaaaaaday? Say my name, bitch!”

Tony Horton: “Okay now, fingers spread, both arms over your head and reeeeach for the sky! Now bend to your left and reeeaaaaach with your right arm…”

AD: “Finally, an exercise I can do!”

KatyBeth (singsong): “Wave your haaaands in the air like you just don’t caaaaare…”

HIL: “Glide by the people as they start to look and stare…”

DD: “Do your dance, do your dance, quick! Mama, come on baby tell me what’s the word…”

LSW (speaking to EW): “I think the guys are starting to lose focus.”

AD: “Nonsense! We’re in this till the end, baby! What pose are we doing now?”

HIL: “Prison Bitch In Repose.”

EW (rolling her eyes): “Actually, it’s called The Frog.”

AD: “Whatever. Hey look, new position!”

Tony Horton: “Okay everyone, now we switch to Child’s Pose. Kneel on the floor, and sit on your feet, heels pointing outward… now lean forward and place your forehead on the ground… ”

DD: “I know why they call it Child’s Pose. Only a child is that flexible.”

HIL: “What do we do if our gut won’t let us get our forehead within a foot of the floor?”

AD: “We look like penitents when we’re doing this. Shouldn’t we be facing toward Ogden?”

DD: “Good idea. Let’s all face northwest.”

EW (red-faced): “Could we just focus on the damned video for a few minutes? Please?”

*click*

LSW (boiling over): “If I see one more kid with a camera phone in his hand, you’re all grounded!”

Noggin (giggling, from the doorway): “Too late. I’ve been recording y’all for the past ten minutes. Can anybody say YouTube?”

**********

Noggin fled back across the street to his house before we could take his Blackberry, probably because we were all too sore to move faster than garden slugs. Deputy Dawg threatened him with summary expulsion from the Pine Street Mafia if he reported what he had seen to anyone. So far, no YouTube video.

We’re keeping our fingers crossed.