Live Blogging Drunkapalooza 2009


I’m sitting here at the local law enforcement training academy, monitoring vital signs and eating bar food [note to organizers: it ain’t real bar food unless you have pickled quail eggs and pig feet], and watching as the LEOs perform field sobriety tests on drunk subjects.

Those subjects, by the way, are off-duty cops, firemen, and their spouses, and I get to watch as they all get totally hammered. They made me leave my camera in the truck, but I still have my camera phone.

This oughta be good…

1100: Candidate #1 starts off with Chivas Regal and grapefruit juice. I know Chivas isn’t what one would consider premium scotch, but they oughta just throw her ass in jail right now on general principles. I mean, seriously, scotch and grapefruit juice?!?

1115: Candidate #2 weighs 285 pounds. He’s been told he’d have to drink 13 shots in the next three hours to blow between a .08 – .12 BAC. Can you say “tore up from the floor up,” boys and girls?

1135: Candidate #5, a cop’s wife, is on her third Crown and Coke. She is not terribly attractive, but Candidate #2 is winking lewdly at her, asking if he can send someone home for his beer funnel.

1145: All candidates must be escorted to the bathroom or to go outside to smoke. Candidate #6, a very comely 22-year-old, just announced she had to pee. Five guys volunteered, including Candidate #4, whose wife is Candidate #1. Currently, he’s nursing an elbow-sized bruise on his left arm.

1210: They are screening the Will Farrell movie Semi Pro, and I am thinking this is the first time someone has laughed at that movie, ever.

1235: Okay, now everyone is speculating about blowjob technique whenever the next candidate steps up to the breathalyzer. Candidate #3 moaned sensuously and fondled a set of imaginary balls on the machine, much to everyone’s amusement. Did I mention that Candidate #3 is a guy?

1245: The deputy administering the breathalyzers just announced that Candidate #4 is officially drunk with a BAC of .085. Problem is, I also just heard that he just did better on his field sobriety test than he did on the baseline test… taken when he was sober.

1305: Everyone is officially drunk, all with BAC of greater than .08. And now, every conversation is now spoken at twice the volume when we started, and every conversation involves sex. I feel like an anthropologist observing sacred tribal mating rituals.

1315: Candidate #3 now has his nametag (actually just his number) stuck to his forehead, and is delivering a rousing rendition of “Ding, fries are done.”

1330: They’re through drinking, and more deputies are conducting field sobriety tests. Candidate #8 failed her field sobriety test with three out of four teams. Her BAC is zero. For the past three hours, she’s been swishing her mouth with Crown Royal and Smirnoff vodka, and spitting it into the sink.

1350: Okay, I’m done. I was checking Candidate #1’s blood pressure while she was having an animated conversation with the person directly to her right. Without looking, she obligingly stuck out her left arm, and groped me right in the balls.

And she didn’t even blush or look apologetic. She just winked and smiled.

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