If Dr. House Was a Paramedic…

… over at Medic Madness.

Unlike most EMS providers who respond to pagers and quick-call systems, Dr. House would be tracked down by his boss to inform him of an interesting call. For the most part, he would handle all of the critical cases. That is unless he gets in trouble. In that case, he would be assigned dialysis transfer duty for a duration decided by his boss.

He’d also have his “team” do an 18 lead EKG, CBG, cranial nerve exam, orthostatic vitals, spO2, rectal temperature, etCO2, NEXUS exam, MEND exam, field sobriety test, Cosmopolitan Magazine Couples Compatibility Test, paralysis and Train of Four monitoring, atropine and adenosine tolerance tests, a brief trial of transcutaneous pacing, check for rectal tone, sweep for priapism, internal vaginal exam, Mallampati scoring, a FAST exam, a polygraph, Rorschach and thematic apperception testing, and i-STAT point of care lab testing…

… for every single patient, regardless of complaint.

Because as anyone who has ever watched House, MD knows, his diagnostic method is throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.

Because, you know, all patients lie. Sure, he says he has a stubbed toe, but it’s most likely a new airborne strain of Ebola.