Patient: “I don’t want to go to no hospital. I ain’t got no ride home. I’ll just go stay in my neighbor’s trailer tonight.”
Deputy: “The medics just told you one of those cuts might need a couple stitches. Ain’t there somebody you can call to give you a ride home from the hospital?
Patient: “There would be, if I could find my cell phone. Muhfucka threw it somewhere ‘long with all them bottles he throwed at me.”
Ambulance Driver: “There’s a cell phone right there next to you on the sofa, Ma’am. Problem solved.”
Patient: “That’s my government phone. It only calls 911.”
Ambulance Driver: “Wait, you have a government-supplied cell phone, and a personal cell phone? That you, like, pay money for?”
Deputy (disgusted): “Remind me why my taxes are higher this year? Something about needing more revenue to fund essential government programs?”