Category Archives: Overheard On The Bolance

Overheard On The Bolance

On the third trip, to the third hospital in the last four hours, for the same malingering trustee of modern chemistry: AD: “So, why’d you leave the ER?” MTMC: “Man, they wasn’t doing anything to help me!” AD: “How do you that? You weren’t there fifteen minutes before you walked out and called 911 from […]

Overheard On The Bolance

Patient: “Dude, I can’t hold it. I’m gonna crap my pants.” AD: “Do your best, brother, but if you gotta go, you gotta go. I’ve got medicine for the nausea, but I got nothin’ for diarrhea.” Patient: “Dude, I’m dying here…” AD: “Pinch it off, man. That’s all I can tell you. You allergic to […]

Overheard In The ED

While prepping a patient for transport: ED Nurse: “Oh, by the way, the doc wants IV fluids on that guy we’re transferring across town.” AD: “Just IV fluids? Is he hypotensive?” ED Nurse: “Nope, rock solid stable. KVO would probably be fine.” AD (speaking in my best “Do you realize how silly that sounds?” voice): […]

Overheard On The Bolance

Unloading the rig at shift change this morning: Lesbian Partner: “Dude, don’t forget your man purse.” AD: “It’s a messenger bag.” LP: “Man purse.” AD: “It’s got Velcro and molle webbing, and a hidden concealed carry holster.” LP: “Dude, it’s gay. And I should know from gay.” AD: “It’s black, with the NRA logo embroidered […]

Overheard On The Bolance

(Playing Journey’s Lightson my iPhone) Lesbian Partner: “Mmmmm, Journey. That’s some vintage 80′s makeout music there. Got anything else?” Ambulance Driver: “Sure. I’ve got Don’t Stop Believin’… Open Arms… Faithfully… It’s a veritable Journey cornucopia up in here.” LP: Play Open Arms. Man, that’s a slow dancing song right there.” AD: “I have polished many […]

Overheard On The Bolance

Me and Lesbian Partner, with dueling impressions of Ethel Merman singing Lady Gaga tunes. Fatigue, it’s what’s for dinner.

Overheard On The Bolance

Waiting for a bed at a local Emergency Department: Drunk Violent Guy: "Hey. Hey, man! Why you tied me down, man? I ain't done nothing to you!" AD: "Not so. You swung at me, and grabbed my partner hard enough to leave bruises." DVG: "Thass a fuckin' lie. I ain't grabbed nobody!" AD: "Blackouts and […]

Overheard in the ED

Psych Patient (screaming): “I HATE MAYONNAISE! I NEED MIRACLE WHIP FOR MY BUTTHOLE!” AD: “Uuhhh…” ED Nurse (shrugging): “To each his own. I’m a Hellman’s girl, myself.”

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

A tale related by a colleague: If the police find you passed out drunk behind the wheel of your car, keys in the ignition and the switch on, but are willing to cut you a break because you at least had the presence of mind to pull over and sleep it off, and apparently toted […]

Overheard On The Bolance

Patient: “So I was sleeping on the couch, and I just woke up, and my pants were on fire!” AD: “Uh huh. And how did the rest of the garage catch on fire?” Patient: “I, um, might have turned over some paint thinner and stuff while I was trying to put my pants out.” Skinny: […]

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Kelly Grayson

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