Overheard On The Bolance

In the Emergency Department just now (not the busiest one by a long shot): Rude, Uber-Surly Hospitalist (to triage nurse): “They can wait! If they want to keep bringing people in here, they can wait!” Harried Triage Nurse (sighing): “Room 4 will be clean in a bit, guys. Mind hanging out on the wall for ten minutes or so?” Ambulance ...

Sometimes, I can’t activate that verbal filter no matter how hard I try: Patient: “I’m allergic to aspirin, Tramadol, Vistaril, ibuprofen, morphine, and all the ‘cillin’, ‘mycin’, and sulfa antibiotics.” AD: “Uh huh. And what does each of those things do to you when you take them?” Patient: “Aspirin makes it hard to breathe, plus my nose swells up and bleeds. Tramadol and ...

On the third trip, to the third hospital in the last four hours, for the same malingering trustee of modern chemistry: AD: “So, why’d you leave the ER?” MTMC: “Man, they wasn’t doing anything to help me!” AD: “How do you that? You weren’t there fifteen minutes before you walked out and called 911 from the parking lot.” MTMC: “Fuck ...

Patient: “Dude, I can’t hold it. I’m gonna crap my pants.” AD: “Do your best, brother, but if you gotta go, you gotta go. I’ve got medicine for the nausea, but I got nothin’ for diarrhea.” Patient: “Dude, I’m dying here…” AD: “Pinch it off, man. That’s all I can tell you. You allergic to any foods or medicines?” Patient ...

While prepping a patient for transport: ED Nurse: “Oh, by the way, the doc wants IV fluids on that guy we’re transferring across town.” AD: “Just IV fluids? Is he hypotensive?” ED Nurse: “Nope, rock solid stable. KVO would probably be fine.” AD (speaking in my best “Do you realize how silly that sounds?” voice): “You want fluids dripping at ...

Unloading the rig at shift change this morning: Lesbian Partner: “Dude, don’t forget your man purse.” AD: “It’s a messenger bag.” LP: “Man purse.” AD: “It’s got Velcro and molle webbing, and a hidden concealed carry holster.” LP: “Dude, it’s gay. And I should know from gay.” AD: “It’s black, with the NRA logo embroidered on it. It’s tactical.” LP ...

(Playing Journey’s Lightson my iPhone) Lesbian Partner: “Mmmmm, Journey. That’s some vintage 80’s makeout music there. Got anything else?” Ambulance Driver: “Sure. I’ve got Don’t Stop Believin’… Open Arms… Faithfully… It’s a veritable Journey cornucopia up in here.” LP: Play Open Arms. Man, that’s a slow dancing song right there.” AD: “I have polished many a belt buckle to a ...

Me and Lesbian Partner, with dueling impressions of Ethel Merman singing Lady Gaga tunes. Fatigue, it’s what’s for dinner.

Waiting for a bed at a local Emergency Department: Drunk Violent Guy: "Hey. Hey, man! Why you tied me down, man? I ain't done nothing to you!" AD: "Not so. You swung at me, and grabbed my partner hard enough to leave bruises." DVG: "Thass a fuckin' lie. I ain't grabbed nobody!" AD: "Blackouts and memory loss are a strong ...

Psych Patient (screaming): “I HATE MAYONNAISE! I NEED MIRACLE WHIP FOR MY BUTTHOLE!” AD: “Uuhhh…” ED Nurse (shrugging): “To each his own. I’m a Hellman’s girl, myself.”

A tale related by a colleague: If the police find you passed out drunk behind the wheel of your car, keys in the ignition and the switch on, but are willing to cut you a break because you at least had the presence of mind to pull over and sleep it off, and apparently toted an ass whoopin’ before their ...

Patient: “So I was sleeping on the couch, and I just woke up, and my pants were on fire!” AD: “Uh huh. And how did the rest of the garage catch on fire?” Patient: “I, um, might have turned over some paint thinner and stuff while I was trying to put my pants out.” Skinny: “Do you smoke, sir?” Patient ...

Text conversation from a few minutes ago: Epijunky:“A simple nasal cannula at 15 lpm applied by your partner in addition…” AD: “Heh, you’re reading my apneic oxygenation article on EMS1?” Epijunky: “Actually, the one in EMS World Magazine about how an EMT can save the medic’s ass.” AD: “Either one is a wise choice. Consider me your fount of paramedical-type ...

At a local Emergency Department earlier tonight: Meth-head Psych Patient:"Bitch, I said I'm leaving!" Nurse 1: "No, you're not. Get back in your room." MPP: "Bitch, I'm fucking outta here, and you ain't stopping me!" Nurse 1: "Security!" Nurse 2: "He's making his rounds. You Borg guys will help us with her, right?" Skinny (excitedly): "Hell yeah! It's about to ...

Singing along to the radio: Skinny: "Hands, touchin' hands…" AD: "Reachin' out…" Skinny: "Touching me…" AD: "Touching yoooouuu…" Together: "SWEEEET CAROLIIIIINE, GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOOOD…" AD: "Uuuumm… you realize we were just rockin' out to Neil Diamond? I'm pretty sure we lose major cool points for that." Skinny: "Dude, Neil Diamond scored copious amounts of ass back in ...