Dr. Phil Goode

Do you hurt? Even just a little?

Do you have a few hundred dollars in cash?

Do you have friends who groove on the Houston Cocktail (Soma, Lortab and Xanbar)? Would you like to be the most popular person at the party?

Would you like to supplement your income by selling your pain meds on the street?

If you’ve answered “YES” to any of the above questions, Dr. Feelgood can feed your addiction ease your suffering!

Want pain meds prescribed in horse-killing doses?

No problem!

Want prescriptions supplied in huge quantities suitable for secondary distribution to your friends and customers, while still feeding your habit?

No problem! We’ll dole out happy pills in 120 pill lots!

Don’t have a referring physician? Does your referring physician exist only in your fevered imagination?

No problem! We’ll take referrals written on spiral notebook paper or the back of a lottery ticket! Heck, make up a name! We won’t even check! Besides, all those doctors have illegible handwriting anyway!

Previous convictions for narcotic abuse, DUI or prescription drug fraud?

No problem! As long as you can come up with a plausible excuse and can exchange oxygen for carbon dioxide, we’ll accommodate you! And we’ll prescribe you such ludicrous doses that you won’t feel the need to alter or forge a prescription!

Not a legal resident of Texas? No legitimate form of identification?

No problem! We don’t care where you’re from, and we’ll even take your library card as ID!

What’s that? No x-rays or diagnostic studies? Never even seen a specialist? No one can even pinpoint the source of your pain?

No problem! We’ll take your word for it, because we believe in YOU! After all, it’s YOUR pain! What do all those other doctors know? We don’t care how many physicians have turned you away for narcotic seeking or malingering, we’ll getcha whatcha need!

If you’re addicted to narcotics in pain, come on down to Dr. Phil Goode’s Soma Shack and Xanbar Barn today! See one of our professional enablers licensed professional staff today, and let us get you started on the path to death, financial and social ruin medicated bliss today!

We have locations all over southeast Texas! ONE NEAR YOU!

If the legitimate pain management specialists don’t start self-policing the Pill Mills in their midst, the government is going to start doing it for them.

And we all know how well that works out for the legitimate doctors and patients.

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