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A New Disease

My Virgin Blog Entry:

The wonders of medical science never cease to amaze me. Since the days of of post-WWII, we have ushered forth the Age of Penicillin, followed soon thereafter by the Rise of Resistant Bugs, only to be followed by the Super Antibiotics, and of course The Super Bugs. Like the age-old battle between armor and projectiles, every medical advance seems to only bring forth a newer, meaner strain of Super Cooties.

Back in the day, strokes were just things that happened to old folks, and were simply To Be Endured. After the big event, we turned Grandpa toward the sunlight and kept him watered, and hoped like hell he recognized you when you visited. Maybe, just maybe, he learned to feed himself again, and then only if you (and he) were lucky. Now, we have vascular Drano that can circumvent that whole horrific process, if the Drano itself doesn’t finish Grandpa off in the process.

When you’re having a heart attack, you can go to the Roto Rooter man…excuse me, I meant interventional cardiologist…and have the old pipes cleaned out.

If your goober doesn’t work, we have pills to fix that. Ladies, if you weren’t visited by the Titty Fairy in your adolescence, the wonders of breast implants can fix that. Yet, given the paltry funding for Alzheimer’s research, we will soon have a generation of geezers with perky boobs and big erections with absolutely no recollection of what to do with them…

…but I digress.

My point is, we learn more about disease and disability every day. Yet I find myself highly suspicious of some of the latest medical conditions to be identified, not sure if they are legitimate disorders or just the feverish ramblings of Uncle Melvin locked somewhere in the basement at the CDC… you know, perhaps he has gotten out and and has found a forum.

As case in point, I give you Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

I suppose a name like Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Ladies, pardon my dragging knuckles here, but what about this syndrome is any different than PMS?

Bloated? Check.

Bitchy? Check.

Wild mood swings? Check.

Persistent anger? Check.

Fatigue? Check.

Spouse walking on eggshells and offering you large quantities of chocolate? Check.

Spouse whimpering incoherently and bunking with his hunting buddies? Check check.

So what here is so radically different than good ole garden variety PMS? Is it possible, that like alcohol, PMS merely magnifies your less desirable personality traits? Like, if you are already a wee bit bitchy, does PMS make the fangs come out? Or is it a clinical syndrome beyond your control, the dreaded PMDD????

Like a Mel Gibson apology, I ain’t buying it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a sensitive fellow. Warm and fuzzy, even. I like sunsets, long walks on the beach, puppies and poetry. I’m also fond of slaying God’s furry little creatures with projectile weapons, but that’s the predator in me. Man can become too civilized, you know.

And lest the distaff persuasion think I am merely picking on them, I also highly skeptical of any child with a diagnosis of ADHD. Don’t get me wrong, I know it exists. Many of us in EMS have all the symptoms – restlessness, need for constant stimulation, inability to focus and complete simple — Hey! A Butterfly! C’mere Mister Butterfly! Hey guys, let’s catch the pretty butterfly! Guys? Uh, guys? —

Oh yeah. Sorry, where was I? Right, ADHD. Even though it may be a legitimate medical disorder, I see mood-altering drugs prescribed to waaaaaaaaaay too many kids with a “diagnosis” of ADHD made by doctors too lazy to truly assess the child, or too scared to deny Mommy and Daddy a panacea for bad parenting.

Back in the not-too-distant past, when I was a schoolboy, parents and school administrators knew exactly what was wrong with Little Johnny when he exhibited disruptive behavior, fighting, talking back to the grownups and poor impulse control. Little Johnny suffered from Chronic Hickory Deficiency, a malady easily cured by liberal topical applications applied by the parents at home. If needed, my principal kept a large, highly polished Hickory Booster hung on the wall behind his desk, and he was not afraid to use it. And it worked. And they hadn’t even heard of things like Ritalin or serotonin levels…

Of course, I’d rant more but I’m sure I’ve already offended enough people, besides which I’ve always been easily distracted. And I have a hyperactive child to beat. Or I could just let the Missus dole out the beatings. She’d enjoy it. It’s that time of the month.

Until next time…

Comments - Add Yours

  • Jenna

    Is it a real issue? (PMMD) Yup. Is it an excuse to act like a whiny bitchy nit? Nope. Sorry to my fellow sisters in the world, but I’m gonna come forward and testify.

    Yes, PMMD causes problems. You have bigger and worse mood swings, you feel worse. But, just like an alchohalic knows he shouldn’t have “just one”, and the manic depressive knows that skipping their meds to go see Beaches is a baaaaaadddd idea, once you have the diagnosis you have the skills and tools to, I don’t know…..

    DEAL WITH IT!!!

    Sorry. Sorry. (Mood swing maybe?) I’m just getting tired of people blaming all their personal pickidillo’s on something, ANYTHING, else. If you know that you have this condition (or any other), once you become an adult its your responsibility to manage it.

    Now. I’m gonna go grab my pint of Godiva triple chocolate cheesescake icecream, put on my sweatpants, and watch Steel Magnolias.

  • Jenna

    Is it a real issue? (PMMD) Yup. Is it an excuse to act like a whiny bitchy nit? Nope. Sorry to my fellow sisters in the world, but I’m gonna come forward and testify.Yes, PMMD causes problems. You have bigger and worse mood swings, you feel worse. But, just like an alchohalic knows he shouldn’t have “just one”, and the manic depressive knows that skipping their meds to go see Beaches is a baaaaaadddd idea, once you have the diagnosis you have the skills and tools to, I don’t know…..DEAL WITH IT!!!Sorry. Sorry. (Mood swing maybe?) I’m just getting tired of people blaming all their personal pickidillo’s on something, ANYTHING, else. If you know that you have this condition (or any other), once you become an adult its your responsibility to manage it. Now. I’m gonna go grab my pint of Godiva triple chocolate cheesescake icecream, put on my sweatpants, and watch Steel Magnolias.

  • Dutch Expat

    “Chronic Hickory Deficiency”

    Just for that I’ve added you to my Favorites. Keep up the good work.

  • Dutch Expat

    “Chronic Hickory Deficiency”Just for that I’ve added you to my Favorites. Keep up the good work.

  • quidni

    I’m adding you to my favorites, as well. Hope you don’t mind!

  • quidni

    I’m adding you to my favorites, as well. Hope you don’t mind!

  • HollyB

    Well, Dang it, I’ve added you to my favs, too. What’s one MORE blog to add to my daily trot line. LawDog sent me over here, btw.
    I agree w/Jenna, too. Once you’re an adult and you’ve been diagnosed w/ a disorder… DEAL WITH IT! Don’t blame the disorder, take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

  • HollyB

    Well, Dang it, I’ve added you to my favs, too. What’s one MORE blog to add to my daily trot line. LawDog sent me over here, btw. I agree w/Jenna, too. Once you’re an adult and you’ve been diagnosed w/ a disorder… DEAL WITH IT! Don’t blame the disorder, take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

  • Anonymous

    You are on my favorites list now too! My son was diagnosed as ADHD by the social services weenies before we adopted him. First thing we did was slowly take him off the meds and he has had no problems since then and had even been able to keep an AB average in school. Interesting thing he was also diagnosed with Therets (sic) syndrome and those symptoms disappeared when the medicine did.

  • Anonymous

    You are on my favorites list now too! My son was diagnosed as ADHD by the social services weenies before we adopted him. First thing we did was slowly take him off the meds and he has had no problems since then and had even been able to keep an AB average in school. Interesting thing he was also diagnosed with Therets (sic) syndrome and those symptoms disappeared when the medicine did.

  • Ambulance Driver

    Anonymous,

    Love, discipline and patience will trump medications any day. There are some kids who actually have ADHD. THere are many others who have poor parents who don’t accept responsibility for their failures. Your adopted son is lucky you’re not one of those parents.

  • Ambulance Driver

    Anonymous, Love, discipline and patience will trump medications any day. There are some kids who actually have ADHD. THere are many others who have poor parents who don’t accept responsibility for their failures. Your adopted son is lucky you’re not one of those parents.

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