Who Knew Waffle House Had a Dress Code?

Well, it seems another trustee of modern chemistry has died after an encounter with my comrades in blue. Seems that one Terrill Enard took it upon himself to strip down to his birthday suit and accost a Waffle House waitress, and took umbrage at the assertion by Lafayette Police officers that This Was Not Nice Behavior.

Anyhoo, it seems gentle Terrill became violent with the officers and had to be Tasered. According to the press release issued by the department, the Taser had little or no effect on Mr. Enard initially. After being transported to the local hospital however, our boy expired soon thereafter and was admitted to the Eternal Care Unit. According to the official statement released by Layafette PD, “Mr. Enard appeared to be under the influence of an unknown substance.”

I’m shocked.

Obviously, those dastardly Po-leece escalated the situation by daring to apprehend poor Terrill in the first place. According to the family, “He was a good, warm person. He wouldn’t have harmed a fly.”

No doubt poor Terrill was sitting there innocently minding his own bidness, drinking a wholesome glass of 2% milk and enjoying his hash browns, when for no reason, the men in blue descended upon him, hell-bent upon causing trouble.

What is interesting is that prior to the Waffle House incident, our boy jumped from a second floor motel balcony, limped inside and left them his clothes in lieu of payment, and proceeded to hitch a ride to the Waffle house. Nude. In December. More dismaying is the fact that someone actually picked him up and gave him a ride.

Apparently, if Waffle House offered al fresco dining, this whole sorry incident may have been avoided.

Of course, this raises the standard hue and cry that Tasers are deadly weapons and should be banned. Like a choke hold and numerous thwacks with a six D-cell Maglite would have been more humane. Puh–leeze.

I won’t presume to lecture anyone on the proper application of the use of force continuum. I’m no expert. Cops are. But I’ve pulled the barbs loose from enough Trustees of Modern Chemistry to have a somewhat informed opinion on the matter, and I have thus formulated Kelly’s Rules for Transporting Combative Patients:

1. Handcuffed patients got that way for a reason. Leave ’em that way. If the patient was combative AT ANY POINT, leave the cuffs on. If you absolutely must, have the officer cuff ’em in front, but leave the cuffs on. Add as many straps as needed.

2. Never transport a patient hog-tied, and never, ever, ever face down.

3. Talk, talk. talk. Verbally deescalate the situation as much as possible.

4. Oxygen is a good thing. Plus, a mask over the face makes a dandy spit shield.

5. If talking and physical restraint fail, sedate ’em to the eyeballs. It is much easier to assess and treat a patient who is not fighting you.

6. Doctors who disagree with #5 have never been alone in the back of the ambulance with a 300 pound behemoth on PCP. But they should experience it just once, for their own personal growth.

7. Be prepared for bad outcomes.

8. The doctrine of Primum non nocere does not apply when you are getting your ass whipped.

Many folks assume that since a Taser was used and Mr. Enard died shortly thereafter, that the taser was logically the proximate cause of his untimely demise. To quote GatorBlack, one particularly incensed reader of the Lafayette Daily Advertiser, “I hope this shows a lesson to the people that to subdue a human a taser is not needed! The MAN in the resturant didnt need anything i guess he has super human strenght!!”

Please do not let the poor spelling, grammar and lack of punctuation detract from the wisdom of Mr. Gator’s argument. He’s obviously an erudite fellow, well versed in police tactics and human physiology. Plus, everyone knows that double exclamation points always lend extra credence to an opinion.

Well Gator, allow me to fill a gap in your knowledge. There is a medical phenomenon known as excited delirium. The link here is to a scholarly article on the subject, but in deference to your reading comprehension skills, I’ll keep it simple.

PCP, cocaine and methamphetamine are known as stimulants. When ingested, snorted, smoked, injected or pushed up your rectum to hide them from the Po-leece, they tend to do certain things to the human body. Blood pressure skyrockets, as does heart rate. Body temperature may rise as high as 108 degrees, offering one probable explanation for Mr. Enard’s lack of clothing in December. A whole cascade of events occurs with your body’s chemistry, and none of them are good. Quite often, these people are headed for a rendezvous with death that no intervention will stop. It can happen in the back of an ambulance, it can happen in an instant when the rugby scrum of officers needed to subdue the suspect finally untangles to find the patient dead at the bottom of the pile, or it can happen six hours later at a major medical center, as it did in Mr. Enard’s case. The use of a Taser is incidental. Linking the two events is akin to claiming that since 89% of pilots involved in airline crashes ingested pickles in the 24-hour period before the flight, it thus follows that pickles cause airline crashes. Let’s call for a ban on sweet gherkins!

On the other hand, if you’re ever at the airport and see your pilot wolfing down the kosher dill spears…change flights. You can never be too careful.