I’m Better at the Rough Stock Events

Color Announcer: “Howdy folks, and welcome back to Podunk General Hospital for the final round of the Patient Rodeo Finals here on ESPN 8! I’m your announcer, Johnny Gage…”

Analyst: “…And I’m Roy DeSoto, and we’re glad to be back here in Podunk, Johnny! The last round ended with Ambulance Driver clinging to a slim lead in the all-around standings after a poor showing in the Patient Bulldogging and Wild Psycho Roping events – not like Ambulance Driver at all. We’ll have to see if he can hold onto the lead with Laid Back Male Nurse just a few points behind him in the standings.”

Color Announcer: “You know Roy, you have to wonder if AD isn’t still affected by that nasty groin pull he suffered last week in Mesquite. Being the competitor he is, he cowboyed up and still rode here today, but it looks like he’s a step slow, wouldn’t you say?”

Analyst: “You’d be a little slow after a behemoth on meth had a hold of your wedding tackle too , John. It’s one thing pulling on your own groin, but having a wild-eyed trustee of modern chemistry do it is another thing entirely. I tell ya, during my competition days, I had a few of those -“

Color Announcer: “Yeah Roy, but the patients have changed a lot since our riding days, wouldn’t you say? The most we ever had to contend with was a sleepy heroin user or a patient on weed. The only thing in danger back then was our stash of Cheetos. The patients these boys are riding these days…well no one can deny that these critters are athletes, Roy.”

Analyst: “Yep, and that athlete is half your score, Johnny, and AD couldn’t have drawn a tougher opponent for the final round! He’s drawn Angel Duster, who comes into this rodeo never having been ridden. He’s bucked off 37 paramedics and a few ambitious ER nurses in his short career, and he’s way out in front in the standings for Haldol Critter of The Year.”

Color Announcer: “You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie there, Roy. Angel Duster, weighing in at 270 pounds and six-foot-three, is one formidable opponent, especially on the supplements the stock wranglers have been giving this big ole boy. He’s a son of Wet Daddy, and right now he looks damned near invincible.”

Analyst: “I’d say so, Johnny. The stock wrangler, Candy Man, has been giving ole Angel Duster the very best phencyclidine that a stolen, pawned TV can buy – none of that cut rate embalming fluid in this boy’s weed!”

Color Announcer: “And that makes for some of the most combative trustees of modern chemistry that I’ve seen in thirty years of announcing, Roy! All of us here on ESPN 8 are happy to see Candy Man back supplying stock for the Patient Rodeo Finals after that brief hiatus he took for the last 3-5 years. Thank goodness for time off for good behavior!”

Analyst: “You got that right, Johnny. Now, I’ve managed to corral ole Ambulance Driver here before his ride comes up, and maybe he’ll give us a few words about his upcoming ride. Glad to have ya’ here, AD!”

Ambulance Driver: “Glad to be here, Roy!”

Analyst: “AD, how do you respond to those people who say that your best days are behind you, and that aggressive young hotshots like Laid Back Male Nurse are the new stars of the sport?”

AD: “Well Roy, Laid Back Male Nurse is a good ole boy, no question about it, and he’s a fierce competitor too. Me and ole LBMN are traveling partners on the circuit, you know, and it seems like we’re always swapping places in the standings.”

Analyst: “Have you lost a step, AD?”

AD: “Well, I’ll tell ya’ Roy…I think I’ve got some gas left in the tank, and I’ve got some good rides in me still. What I might have lost in strength and speed I think I’ve made up for in experience – the kind of experience I’m trying to pass on to young new stars like LBMN. I’d just like to thank God and my sponsors, and Lord willin’, I’ll give the folks a good show out there today.”

Analyst: “Younger, stronger, faster…do you feel any pressure knowing that LBMN is hot on your heels in the standings, AD?”

AD: “Naw, I just take ’em one event at a time, Roy. Now, the rough stock events are kind of my specialty, whereas the timed events are more LBMN’s territory, so I feel like I’m just gettin’ started. It ain’t me versus LBMN out there anyway. It’s me against whatever critter I’ve drawn for this go ’round.”

Analyst: “And speakin’ of critters, you’ve drawn a tough one for the final round! What are your thoughts on Angel Duster?”

AD: “Well, the rank ones, that’s the ones we want right there, Roy. Me and ole’ Duster have a bit of history together. He’s bucked off 37 medics, including me twice. Last time in Mesquite, I thought I had him, but he put a good spin move on me and managed to get a hand on the jewels. Ain’t no medic ever been born that can keep a hold of a critter when the critter has his wanger in a death grip. But I’m purty fair healed up now, and I’m lookin’ forward to strapping on the spurs and gettin’ busy with Angel Duster again. I got me a score to settle.”

Analyst: “I’d say so, AD. We got the video here of your last face off with Angel Duster in the Patient Bulldogging earlier today. Why don’t you take a look at the monitor as we roll the tape and you can kinda tell the fans what went wrong there.”

AD: “Be glad to, Roy…well, you can see there on the tape that ole Duster had a purty good jump on me right outta the gate…and here he puts a little spin move on me right outside the Radiology Waiting Room…and here, here’s where it got a little sideways, Roy. I got my feet set right there, and I was watching his shoulders, not his hips. When he tried to juke me, I got overbalanced and had to try an arm tackle…I just couldn’t get him wrapped up, Roy. He was naked and sweaty, and durned hard to hold on to. It was like being back in the Little Britches Rodeo when we had greased pig races…”

Analyst: “It looks like you almost had him there for a minute, AD. You recovered from the juke pretty good, and it looked like you almost had the headlock cinched in tight and were moving for the rear naked choke when he slipped out…what happened? Did he bite you?”

AD: “Naw Roy, if you pause the tape right there…you can see I had the headlock pretty much cinched in, but the PRHA (Patient Rodeo Hospital Administrators) have started to really crack down on the choke holds…so what I was doing was trying to give him a noogie. I knew I was running up a pretty high time, so I was trying to build some style points.”

Analyst: “A calculated risk that obviously backfired on you, AD. Well, you’ll have a pretty good chance to
silence all those second guessers here in a few minutes. I hear the sirens getting closer. We’ll let you go get ready. Good luck!”

AD: “Thank you Roy, and I’d just like to give a shout-out to all those little Ambulance Drivers out here watchin’ tonight. Y’all stay in school, stay away from drugs, keep yer chin tucked and yer back straight, and never say ‘quit’.”

Analyst: “Good advice from a fine role model and three time champion. Back to you, Johnny!”

Color Announcer: “Well, the Podunk Pee Dee have managed to get Angel Duster herded into a corner in the parking lot and have gotten him shackled, and we should…here they come, folks! There’s three of ’em, just a strugglin’ with ole Angel Duster, and look at that critter snort and slobber! He’s a rank one all right, and it looks like AD has one heckuva ride ahead of him!”

Analyst: “You got that right, Johnny! It’s crunch time here in the finals. Do or die. Ambulance Driver’s getting set…got the rigging set there on the bed as the Pee Dee gets Angel Duster loaded into the chute…I tell ya’, I have never seen such a look of determination on AD’s face, Johnny. I’ve known this boy since he was a Junior Rodeo Star wrasslin’ combative old ladies in the Alzheimer’s Wing, and he has shown his mettle here in the Big Leagues…”

Color Announcer: “Looks like he’s about set, he’s up over his rigging…it’s takin’ a while to get Angel Duster settled down in the chute…”

Analyst: “Ain’t been Tasered, Johnny. He’s a fair bit calmer once he’s been lit up with a little voltage…”

Color Announcer: “Gonna make for a tough ride for AD, if we can ever get him settled down, and AD nods his head…and the cuffs are off, folks! Look at that critter jump!”

Analyst: “He’s got a good seat! This critter is unpredictable, folks. That’s what makes Angel Duster so dangerous…AD’s got the jump on him…looks like he almost lost his balance and got in the well there, but he recovered nicely…and Angel Duster’s turnin’ into his hand, Johnny!”

Color Announcer: And he’s got him, Roy! I think we’re gonna see history made here tonight! He’s got him… HE’S GOT HIM! What a ride!”

Analyst: “Uh oh, looks like he’s hung up there, Johnny…and he’s loose! Now y’all give that medic a hand, folks! Here comes the score...96 points! Ambulance Driver takes the all-around buckle!”

Color Announcer: “What a ride, folks! What. A. Ride.”

Angel Duster: “Moooooooo. Slobber. Grrrr. I coulda whooped yo ass, White Boy.”

Ambulance Driver: “You’re the one strapped to a bed, beeyotch. Now somebody go get me a Foley catheter for this fella. I owe him one.”