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Hey, Animal Planet!




[Ambulance Driver speaking in a stage whisper, crouched in front of a parked ambulance in a Town Near You]

“G’day mates, and welcome to Dumbass Huntah! Oim your host, Ambo Droivah, and t’day we’re goin’ aftah one of the most dangerous species of dumbass on the planet, Phencyclosaurus methamphetamii, otherwoise known by natives as Angel Dustah! Let’s go!”

[cut to the interior of an ambulance, cruising slowly through the Hood, Ambulance Driver enthusiastically narrating from the front passenger seat]

“We’re now enterin’ the ghetto, proime habitat for Angel Dustah! Afta dahk, these pahts are choc a block full of Homo sapiens addictus and their close cousins, Homo sapiens rockslingah. Now normally, Dustahs are oidentical in appearance to the dominant addictus, and some biologists believe them to be the same species. But late at noight, once they pahtake of their fav’rite treat, PCP and crystal meth, the relatively hahmless addictus can morph into a ragin’, bloody aggro Phencyclosaurus!

[camera pans slowly from right to left, revealing sullen young men glaring suspiciously at the passing ambulance, some of them flashing gang signs, when suddenly a nude blur flashes across the screen]

“Now you’ll notice most of these blokes wearin’ gold chains and joolry, which the natives call bling. Apparently, this helps attract the females of the species and – ‘ello, what’s this?”

[cut to a closeup of Ambulance Driver, excitedly pointing out the window]

“It’s a Phencyclosaurus, right across the road!”

[cut to jerky, unsteady shot of a naked man running through a vacant lot, Ambulance Driver and two EMTs in hot pursuit]

“Now you’ll notice that Angel Dustah is roight down to ‘is birthday suit! That’s because when he morphs from addictus, it causes ‘im to molt straight away, and this one has already shed his duds!

[Ambulance Driver takes down naked man with a flying tackle, grunting and wrestling around in the mud…]

“Easy there, big fella! You’re alroight, mate!”

[…struggling to roll Phencyclosaurus into a prone position, motioning the EMTs to pile on, Ambulance Driver cinches in a headlock.]

“Now you’ll see here that Angel Dustah’s choppahs are worn down and eroded almost to nubbins! Now normally, we’d take that as a sign of a much oldah and more mature Dustah, one well past ‘is proime! But you can see here [pointing to the critter’s snapping teeth] that he’s still very physically fit, and still in proime breeding condition, so this Dustah probably also supplements his doiet with methamphetamine, and this condition is known as meth mouth!”

“Now it’s important that we’re very careful with this fella, and troy to restrain ‘im as humanely as possible! [grunting and struggling for leverage over the thrashing Phencyclosaurus, pointing to where the EMTs should position themselves] We absolutely ‘ave to control ‘is head, cause Angel Dustah boites! Now I’ve got ‘is head, and – whoa now! Easy there, fella! You’re alroight, mate! – we’re gonna just get him safely secured and – grunt, scuffle, panton my count, fellas, we’re gonna move ‘im to the stretcha! Everyone ready now? Alroight, one…two…three!”

[Ambulance Driver and the two EMTs stagger to their feet, struggling to hold onto a sweaty, slippery Phencyclosaurus, who is thrashing, growling and snapping like a, well… Phencyclosaurus. They unceremoniously dump the thrashing critter on the stretcher and struggle to tie him down.]

“Now, we’re gonna transport this big fella to the hospital, where we can continue our scientific study of Phencyclosaurus methamphetamii, the most fearsome member of the Addictus subspecies! But first, we’re gonna have to sedate this fella, before he injahs ‘imself in our ambo!”

[draws up a syringe of several medications and plunges it into the critter’s thigh]

“Now Oi’ve just given ‘im a B52, which oughta calm him down straight away! Then, I’m gonna put an oxygen mask ovah ‘is face, to keep ‘im from spitting on me!”

[Right on cue, Phencyclosaurus horks up a big one, which Ambulance Driver deftly dodges. An oyster-sized loogie splatters the camera lens.]

“Ah, no worries, mate! [cleaning the loogie off the lens and giving the cameraman a reassuring, manly chuck on the shoulder] Phencyclosaurus saliva isn’t like venom in its purest sense, but you wanna be careful, because Angel Dustahs often carry diseases!”

[cut to shot of Ambulance Driver wheeling a stretcher into a hospital ER, Phencyclosaurus dozing peacefully. Ambulance Driver narrates in a stage whisper]

“Now, we’re gonna run a few labra’try tests on old Angle Dustah, then we’ll tag ‘im and release ‘im back into the woild! Hopefully, we’ll find out just what it is in PCP that makes a relatively hahmless addictus morph into a bloody aggro Phencyclosaurus!”

“Now normally, we’d put this fella in captivity, but the jails zoos are all full, so this one we’ll release back with a radio trackin’ collah, cleverly disguised as bling!”

[holds up a gold chain and pendant that says “Playah.”]

“Now normally, being in captivity will cause most Homo sapiens to be shunned by the rest of their social and family groups! Like any animal, once you’ve got the scent of The Man on ya, the rest of the bunch don’t want anything to do with ya!”

“But Phencyclosaurus an
d the othah addictus subspecies operate unda a very complex social struckcha! Dustahs throive in captivity, and there may actually be more of ‘em in jails zoos than in the woild! We’re still tryin’ to undastand it, but apparently some toime spent in captivity actually enhances the males’ desirability to receptive females, and increases their standin’ in the pecking ordah!”

[Pointing to the gang tattoos and scars on Phencyclosaurus’ torso]

“Now most of these scahs he prob’ly got from dominance foights with other Dustahs, but see these tatts here? The ones that say, ‘Amekah, Amiah and Little T’ are most loikly tha names of ‘is offspring, so this Phencyclosaurus may also be a babydaddy, probably even one of those rare ones that has actually had contact with ‘is children! And these scahs here, they – ‘ello, what’s this? – look at these, mate! [excitedly waves the camera in for a close-up of a pair of tiny scars on the chest] These came from Tasah bahbs! This fella’s been tagged befoah! If we ‘re lucky, we can entah this fella’s tatts and scahs into a database and get an Oy-Dee! The hahdest paht about identifoying Dustahs is their complete lack of duds! No place to tote a wallet when you’re in your bloody birthday suit, mate! Hopefully, we can get an Oy-Dee and maybe track this fella’s moygration pattens!”

[Cut to shot of a police cruiser, Phencyclosaurus cuffed in the back seat. Ambulance Driver kneels in front of the car, narrating.]

“Now we’ve got old Dustah tagged and Oy-Deed, and we got ta witness ‘is transfamation back inta a hahmless addictus, and now it’s toime to release this fella back into the woild! Turns out this fella is from a few hundred kilometers from heah, a member of a peculiar tribe called Katricians. Most of the Katricians scattered after a bloody ‘urricane destroyed most of their natural habitat, but lately they’ve been migratin’ back in greata numbahs, and they’ve almost bloody well taken ovah the place! Hopefully, our radio collah will help the authorities track this Angel Dustah’s moygration pattens, and he may even ‘elp us locate and capcha a few of his Rockslingah mates!”

[Police officer boots Angel Duster to the curb, leaving him standing bewildered on a street corner in the hood, ass shining from the open back of his hospital gown. Police cruiser slowly drives away, and a little green dot on the cruiser’s mobile data terminal slowly wanders across the screen, tracking Angel Duster’s every move. Police officer taps the signal strength meter on his screen, grunts in satisfaction, and eats a donut.]

“That’s all for this week’s episode of Dumbass Huntah, and oim your host, Ambo Droivah, sayin’ avagoodweegen, mates!”

[fade to black]
So that’s my pitch. I’m thinking this one has
HIT written all over it.

Comments - Add Yours

  • John

    I heard evry word in Steve Austin’s voice- (Moment of silence-hand over heart)- He was awesome!AD- this is the funniest stuff I’ve ever read. This would be an Instant hit on You-Tube if you could get it filmed or just Narrated with a few shots and some stills!Dude- I’m toatally in on Ground Floor- Sending 1000.00 dollars to start the “Paramedic Planet” with your host “Ambulance Driver”.

  • John

    I heard evry word in Steve Austin’s voice- (Moment of silence-hand over heart)- He was awesome!AD- this is the funniest stuff I’ve ever read. This would be an Instant hit on You-Tube if you could get it filmed or just Narrated with a few shots and some stills!Dude- I’m toatally in on Ground Floor- Sending 1000.00 dollars to start the “Paramedic Planet” with your host “Ambulance Driver”.

  • John

    Dude- about the “Grand”- Babs is gonna loan it to me- she don’t know it yet so keep it on the QT till I axe her for it!JohnI’d axe Matt- but he be too busy tring to find the Sitemeter links Babs referred him too! LOL. Read and enjoy every accolade guys and gal- You deserve every every bit of praise and credit for that!

  • John

    Dude- about the “Grand”- Babs is gonna loan it to me- she don’t know it yet so keep it on the QT till I axe her for it!JohnI’d axe Matt- but he be too busy tring to find the Sitemeter links Babs referred him too! LOL. Read and enjoy every accolade guys and gal- You deserve every every bit of praise and credit for that!

  • Loving Annie

    Ha-ha-ha-ha ! That was one of your best ! I know, I know, I ALWAYS say that, but snicker, snort, heh-heh, that was great !!Good Sunday morning the 29th to you AD ! Just came by to say hello and see what was new with you !Today is “thank-you’s” on my blog, and you are mentioned with a link !*cyber hugs and smiles*Loving Annie

  • Loving Annie

    Ha-ha-ha-ha ! That was one of your best ! I know, I know, I ALWAYS say that, but snicker, snort, heh-heh, that was great !!Good Sunday morning the 29th to you AD ! Just came by to say hello and see what was new with you !Today is “thank-you’s” on my blog, and you are mentioned with a link !*cyber hugs and smiles*Loving Annie

  • HollyB

    ROFLMAOPIP, that was great, Tony the tiger, GRRRReat!Thanks for the laughs.I’ll be tuning in.

  • HollyB

    ROFLMAOPIP, that was great, Tony the tiger, GRRRReat!Thanks for the laughs.I’ll be tuning in.

  • Squeaky Wheel

    HAHAHHAHHA!Animal Planet might not pick it up (because humans aren’t animals, don’tcha know…*eyeroll*), but I’d bet the Discovery Channel would be all OVER it! Love it!

  • Squeaky Wheel

    HAHAHHAHHA!Animal Planet might not pick it up (because humans aren’t animals, don’tcha know…*eyeroll*), but I’d bet the Discovery Channel would be all OVER it! Love it!

  • Ambulance Driver

    Squeaky, P. methamphetamii is a human only in the strictest sense of the word.

  • Ambulance Driver

    is a human only in the strictest sense of the word.

  • kateykakes

    Funny, funny stuff, AD. Thanks for the laughs. BTW, I’d tune in faithfully to watch.

  • kateykakes

    Funny, funny stuff, AD. Thanks for the laughs. BTW, I’d tune in faithfully to watch.

  • mielikki

    laughing too hard to really type. . .gaspI’d tune in faithfully as well!

  • mielikki

    laughing too hard to really type. . .gaspI’d tune in faithfully as well!

  • Dixie Amazon

    Bag ‘em and tag ‘em!I almost wet myself and my kids are worried about why mommy is laughing hysterically.GREAT POST!

  • Dixie Amazon

    Bag ‘em and tag ‘em!I almost wet myself and my kids are worried about why mommy is laughing hysterically.GREAT POST!

  • net

    You certainly have a way with words, AD!

  • net

    You certainly have a way with words, AD!

  • Medicmarch.

    Croik-ey! -MM

  • Medicmarch.

    Croik-ey! -MM

  • Mark

    Well I”ve got my video camera, or we could do it as an audio segment for the show? :)

  • Mark

    Well I”ve got my video camera, or we could do it as an audio segment for the show? :)

  • The Respiratory Terrorist

    As long as COPS doesn’t claim intellectual property you should be golden. I would buy TIVO just so I wouldn’t miss it. AD, I think you’re awesome.RT

  • The Respiratory Terrorist

    As long as COPS doesn’t claim intellectual property you should be golden. I would buy TIVO just so I wouldn’t miss it. AD, I think you’re awesome.RT

  • RugbyGirlMD

    They seem to be like pine forests, really. The purge helps them flourish. After the habitat was destroyed, they’ve come back in great packs & migrating hoards. Not an endangered species here.

  • RugbyGirlMD

    They seem to be like pine forests, really. The purge helps them flourish. After the habitat was destroyed, they’ve come back in great packs & migrating hoards. Not an endangered species here.

  • Maserati

    You enjoyed writing that down way too much. Put something together for YouTube. Please ?

  • Maserati

    You enjoyed writing that down way too much. Put something together for YouTube. Please ?

  • Scott

    Ha ha ha! Loved it!I’ve had to work with several meth tweakers at a place I called “the Felon Farm” and they sure are a strange breed!Crikey! Now we-ah gonna put angel dustah in a police cah made of solid al-u-minium!

  • SpeakerTweaker

    I’m gonna have to be more careful about reading this blog after The Little Girl is in bed.When I got the mental picture of the “Playah” bling, I nearly let out a good loud laugh. That would have gone over well.You know, it’s one thing to post the picture of Steve IRWIN (no offense, john, but Steve AUSTIN is a wrestler;), but it’s another thing altogether to type like he talked.THAT was funny!tweaker

  • SpeakerTweaker

    I’m gonna have to be more careful about reading this blog after The Little Girl is in bed.When I got the mental picture of the “Playah” bling, I nearly let out a good loud laugh. That would have gone over well.You know, it’s one thing to post the picture of Steve IRWIN (no offense, john, but Steve AUSTIN is a wrestler;), but it’s another thing altogether to type like he talked.THAT was funny!tweaker

  • Ambulance Driver

    “You know, it’s one thing to post the picture of Steve IRWIN (no offense, john, but Steve AUSTIN is a wrestler;)”I suppose I’m showing my age if I say I thought he was the Six Million Dollar Man, huh?

  • Ambulance Driver

    “You know, it’s one thing to post the picture of Steve IRWIN (no offense, john, but Steve AUSTIN is a wrestler;)”I suppose I’m showing my age if I say I thought he was the Six Million Dollar Man, huh?

  • The Lily

    Brilliant. That was an awesome read. I could see the camera bouncing along after an excited AD (replete in khaki shorts) in my head.

  • The Lily

    Brilliant. That was an awesome read. I could see the camera bouncing along after an excited AD (replete in khaki shorts) in my head.

  • Anonymous

    As one of your Australian readers AD, ugh. But you did capture Steve Irwin’s accent exactly.

  • Anonymous

    As one of your Australian readers AD, ugh. But you did capture Steve Irwin’s accent exactly.

  • Mike

    Oh a funny scale from 0 to 10 that was BY FAR a 1 & and half…terrible and boring. I will never read this blog again, sorry but you lost me :(

  • Mike

    Oh a funny scale from 0 to 10 that was BY FAR a 1 & and half…terrible and boring. I will never read this blog again, sorry but you lost me :(

  • Anonymous

    One of your best indeed…And, as has already been said, I heard every word in the voice of Steve Irwin.You’re a GREAT writer, dude…DD

  • Anonymous

    One of your best indeed…And, as has already been said, I heard every word in the voice of Steve Irwin.You’re a GREAT writer, dude…DD

  • Ambulance Driver

    “I will never read this blog again, sorry but you lost me :(“And one post you didn’t like sends you going?You sound like a real fan, Mike.Have fun somewhere else in the blogosphere.

  • Ambulance Driver

    fan, Mike.Have fun somewhere else in the blogosphere.

  • Babs RN

    I suppose I’m showing my age if I say I thought he was the Six Million Dollar Man, huh? Better…stronger…faster.That’s you, AD ;)

  • Babs RN

    Better…stronger…faster.That’s you, AD ;)

  • Ross

    Priceless, AD – like many other commenters, I swear I heard you as Steve Irwin. 4 thumbs up! (my cat is sitting on my lap reading, too. )

  • Ross

    Priceless, AD – like many other commenters, I swear I heard you as Steve Irwin. 4 thumbs up! (my cat is sitting on my lap reading, too. )

  • OK Katrina

    How do you come up with this stuff? That was brilliant! Seriously funny stuff. Kinda sad, too.And the Perspectives story, excellent work…very moving! It was a great idea and you all did an awesome job.I will definitely check out the new book you’ve got going. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

  • OK Katrina

    How do you come up with this stuff? That was brilliant! Seriously funny stuff. Kinda sad, too.And the Perspectives story, excellent work…very moving! It was a great idea and you all did an awesome job.I will definitely check out the new book you’ve got going. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

  • cardiogirl

    I love your crikey accent!

  • cardiogirl

    I love your crikey accent!

  • Anonymous

    That is absolutely hilarious! I’m sitting here by myself and laughing out loud. Excellent work!

  • Anonymous

    That is absolutely hilarious! I’m sitting here by myself and laughing out loud. Excellent work!

  • John

    HEY I had a friggin Heart deal going on!! LOL– oH crap I can’t believe I did that- and I have never watched WRASTLIN a day in my life!OMG– Hangs head in shame!!J

  • John

    HEY I had a friggin Heart deal going on!! LOL– oH crap I can’t believe I did that- and I have never watched WRASTLIN a day in my life!OMG– Hangs head in shame!!J

  • RobC

    This is 10+ beverage warning material AD! Well done.

  • RobC

    This is 10+ beverage warning material AD! Well done.

  • Kat

    HAHAHAHAHA! That’s great! Lovin’ JOhn’s idea of “Paramedic Planet” series, hehehe!!!!!

  • Kat

    HAHAHAHAHA! That’s great! Lovin’ JOhn’s idea of “Paramedic Planet” series, hehehe!!!!!

  • phlegmfatale

    you ain’t right.yup, you definitely need to put this on youtube.

  • phlegmfatale

    you ain’t right.yup, you definitely need to put this on youtube.

  • BillyBob

    Shit! you made me laugh so hard I hear the bubbles in my colon popping like bubblewrap! Owww hahahahaowww!!

  • BillyBob

    Shit! you made me laugh so hard I hear the bubbles in my colon popping like bubblewrap! Owww hahahahaowww!!

  • Anonymous

    OK, this is the second time you’ve managed to get me spewing and spitting all over my desk! The first was “Flesh Lot” line! Love the blog.

  • Anonymous

    OK, this is the second time you’ve managed to get me spewing and spitting all over my desk! The first was “Flesh Lot” line! Love the blog.

  • 911DOC

    OI! be careful out there mate, you might get pointy thing throught the heart from one of these dangerous creatures!

  • 911DOC

    OI! be careful out there mate, you might get pointy thing throught the heart from one of these dangerous creatures!

  • 911DOC

    OBTW, just linked this on my blog. keep on fighting the good fight. we love you guys on this side of the fence!

  • 911DOC

    OBTW, just linked this on my blog. keep on fighting the good fight. we love you guys on this side of the fence!

  • RT/Medic

    AD that is the funniest thing i have read every I was in stitches from start to finish. I love the idea of paramedic planet and if you need areas to film in you for a sanctuary here in Durham NC for the Homo sapiens addictus as well as the Homo sapiens rockslingah LOL keep up the good work and stay safe out there.

  • RT/Medic

    AD that is the funniest thing i have read every I was in stitches from start to finish. I love the idea of paramedic planet and if you need areas to film in you for a sanctuary here in Durham NC for the Homo sapiens addictus as well as the Homo sapiens rockslingah LOL keep up the good work and stay safe out there.

  • MY OWN WOMAN

    Thank you so much for the laugh and the perspective of the EMT’s life that I don’t often get a chance to see. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve added this link to my blog and your site to my blogroll.

  • MY OWN WOMAN

    Thank you so much for the laugh and the perspective of the EMT’s life that I don’t often get a chance to see. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve added this link to my blog and your site to my blogroll.

  • shrodingers cat

    Very funny stuff.

  • shrodingers cat

    Very funny stuff.

  • Lynn Price

    I wandered over here at the behest of M.D.O.D.s site. So glad I did. I think I laughed up a lung. I’ll be back here again.

  • Lynn Price

    I wandered over here at the behest of M.D.O.D.s site. So glad I did. I think I laughed up a lung. I’ll be back here again.

  • CountyRat

    This is the stuff of genius. I am not worthy. I AM NOT WORTHY!

  • CountyRat

    This is the stuff of genius. I am not worthy. I AM NOT WORTHY!

  • CountyRat

    This is the stuff of genius. I am not worthy. I AM NOT WORTHY!

  • CountyRat

    This is the stuff of genius. I am not worthy. I AM NOT WORTHY!

  • Goddard girl

    Like so many others, I agree this is one of the funniest stories I have read yet! I couldn’t help but picture Steve Irwin throughout the entire story…thanks AD!

  • Goddard girl

    Like so many others, I agree this is one of the funniest stories I have read yet! I couldn’t help but picture Steve Irwin throughout the entire story…thanks AD!