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Hey, Animal Planet!




[Ambulance Driver speaking in a stage whisper, crouched in front of a parked ambulance in a Town Near You]

“G’day mates, and welcome to Dumbass Huntah! Oim your host, Ambo Droivah, and t’day we’re goin’ aftah one of the most dangerous species of dumbass on the planet, Phencyclosaurus methamphetamii, otherwoise known by natives as Angel Dustah! Let’s go!”

[cut to the interior of an ambulance, cruising slowly through the Hood, Ambulance Driver enthusiastically narrating from the front passenger seat]

“We’re now enterin’ the ghetto, proime habitat for Angel Dustah! Afta dahk, these pahts are choc a block full of Homo sapiens addictus and their close cousins, Homo sapiens rockslingah. Now normally, Dustahs are oidentical in appearance to the dominant addictus, and some biologists believe them to be the same species. But late at noight, once they pahtake of their fav’rite treat, PCP and crystal meth, the relatively hahmless addictus can morph into a ragin’, bloody aggro Phencyclosaurus!

[camera pans slowly from right to left, revealing sullen young men glaring suspiciously at the passing ambulance, some of them flashing gang signs, when suddenly a nude blur flashes across the screen]

“Now you’ll notice most of these blokes wearin’ gold chains and joolry, which the natives call bling. Apparently, this helps attract the females of the species and – ‘ello, what’s this?”

[cut to a closeup of Ambulance Driver, excitedly pointing out the window]

“It’s a Phencyclosaurus, right across the road!”

[cut to jerky, unsteady shot of a naked man running through a vacant lot, Ambulance Driver and two EMTs in hot pursuit]

“Now you’ll notice that Angel Dustah is roight down to ‘is birthday suit! That’s because when he morphs from addictus, it causes ‘im to molt straight away, and this one has already shed his duds!

[Ambulance Driver takes down naked man with a flying tackle, grunting and wrestling around in the mud…]

“Easy there, big fella! You’re alroight, mate!”

[…struggling to roll Phencyclosaurus into a prone position, motioning the EMTs to pile on, Ambulance Driver cinches in a headlock.]

“Now you’ll see here that Angel Dustah’s choppahs are worn down and eroded almost to nubbins! Now normally, we’d take that as a sign of a much oldah and more mature Dustah, one well past ‘is proime! But you can see here [pointing to the critter’s snapping teeth] that he’s still very physically fit, and still in proime breeding condition, so this Dustah probably also supplements his doiet with methamphetamine, and this condition is known as meth mouth!”

“Now it’s important that we’re very careful with this fella, and troy to restrain ‘im as humanely as possible! [grunting and struggling for leverage over the thrashing Phencyclosaurus, pointing to where the EMTs should position themselves] We absolutely ‘ave to control ‘is head, cause Angel Dustah boites! Now I’ve got ‘is head, and – whoa now! Easy there, fella! You’re alroight, mate! – we’re gonna just get him safely secured and – grunt, scuffle, panton my count, fellas, we’re gonna move ‘im to the stretcha! Everyone ready now? Alroight, one…two…three!”

[Ambulance Driver and the two EMTs stagger to their feet, struggling to hold onto a sweaty, slippery Phencyclosaurus, who is thrashing, growling and snapping like a, well… Phencyclosaurus. They unceremoniously dump the thrashing critter on the stretcher and struggle to tie him down.]

“Now, we’re gonna transport this big fella to the hospital, where we can continue our scientific study of Phencyclosaurus methamphetamii, the most fearsome member of the Addictus subspecies! But first, we’re gonna have to sedate this fella, before he injahs ‘imself in our ambo!”

[draws up a syringe of several medications and plunges it into the critter’s thigh]

“Now Oi’ve just given ‘im a B52, which oughta calm him down straight away! Then, I’m gonna put an oxygen mask ovah ‘is face, to keep ‘im from spitting on me!”

[Right on cue, Phencyclosaurus horks up a big one, which Ambulance Driver deftly dodges. An oyster-sized loogie splatters the camera lens.]

“Ah, no worries, mate! [cleaning the loogie off the lens and giving the cameraman a reassuring, manly chuck on the shoulder] Phencyclosaurus saliva isn’t like venom in its purest sense, but you wanna be careful, because Angel Dustahs often carry diseases!”

[cut to shot of Ambulance Driver wheeling a stretcher into a hospital ER, Phencyclosaurus dozing peacefully. Ambulance Driver narrates in a stage whisper]

“Now, we’re gonna run a few labra’try tests on old Angle Dustah, then we’ll tag ‘im and release ‘im back into the woild! Hopefully, we’ll find out just what it is in PCP that makes a relatively hahmless addictus morph into a bloody aggro Phencyclosaurus!”

“Now normally, we’d put this fella in captivity, but the jails zoos are all full, so this one we’ll release back with a radio trackin’ collah, cleverly disguised as bling!”

[holds up a gold chain and pendant that says “Playah.”]

“Now normally, being in captivity will cause most Homo sapiens to be shunned by the rest of their social and family groups! Like any animal, once you’ve got the scent of The Man on ya, the rest of the bunch don’t want anything to do with ya!”

“But Phencyclosaurus an
d the othah addictus subspecies operate unda a very complex social struckcha! Dustahs throive in captivity, and there may actually be more of ’em in jails zoos than in the woild! We’re still tryin’ to undastand it, but apparently some toime spent in captivity actually enhances the males’ desirability to receptive females, and increases their standin’ in the pecking ordah!”

[Pointing to the gang tattoos and scars on Phencyclosaurus’ torso]

“Now most of these scahs he prob’ly got from dominance foights with other Dustahs, but see these tatts here? The ones that say, ‘Amekah, Amiah and Little T’ are most loikly tha names of ‘is offspring, so this Phencyclosaurus may also be a babydaddy, probably even one of those rare ones that has actually had contact with ‘is children! And these scahs here, they – ‘ello, what’s this? – look at these, mate! [excitedly waves the camera in for a close-up of a pair of tiny scars on the chest] These came from Tasah bahbs! This fella’s been tagged befoah! If we ‘re lucky, we can entah this fella’s tatts and scahs into a database and get an Oy-Dee! The hahdest paht about identifoying Dustahs is their complete lack of duds! No place to tote a wallet when you’re in your bloody birthday suit, mate! Hopefully, we can get an Oy-Dee and maybe track this fella’s moygration pattens!”

[Cut to shot of a police cruiser, Phencyclosaurus cuffed in the back seat. Ambulance Driver kneels in front of the car, narrating.]

“Now we’ve got old Dustah tagged and Oy-Deed, and we got ta witness ‘is transfamation back inta a hahmless addictus, and now it’s toime to release this fella back into the woild! Turns out this fella is from a few hundred kilometers from heah, a member of a peculiar tribe called Katricians. Most of the Katricians scattered after a bloody ‘urricane destroyed most of their natural habitat, but lately they’ve been migratin’ back in greata numbahs, and they’ve almost bloody well taken ovah the place! Hopefully, our radio collah will help the authorities track this Angel Dustah’s moygration pattens, and he may even ‘elp us locate and capcha a few of his Rockslingah mates!”

[Police officer boots Angel Duster to the curb, leaving him standing bewildered on a street corner in the hood, ass shining from the open back of his hospital gown. Police cruiser slowly drives away, and a little green dot on the cruiser’s mobile data terminal slowly wanders across the screen, tracking Angel Duster’s every move. Police officer taps the signal strength meter on his screen, grunts in satisfaction, and eats a donut.]

“That’s all for this week’s episode of Dumbass Huntah, and oim your host, Ambo Droivah, sayin’ avagoodweegen, mates!”

[fade to black]
So that’s my pitch. I’m thinking this one has
HIT written all over it.

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