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Sumdood’s Army

“What is your last name, Sir?” I ask, watching the guy with the dank, greasy hair sitting at the triage desk, nervously wringing his hands.

“Gol,” he simpered. “G-O-L.”

“And your first name?”

“Smea. S-M-E-A,” he answered, baring his rotted teeth in an obsequious grin. He grimaced and cleared his throat painfully.

Eeeeewwww. Somebody has the meth mouth.

“So what brings you to the ER today, Mr. Smea Gol?” I ask absently, looking over his shoulder at the gathering horde in the waiting room.

Jesus, it must be a Malingerer National Holiday or something. Every drug seeker in three parishes is out there.

“My handses,” he whimpers. “Oh, the pain in my handses…”

“Did you recently injure them somehow?” I ask, examining his long, gnarled fingers. He smells vaguely of fish.

“No, nobody hurtses,” he assures me, shaking his head vehemently. “Nobody hurtses us! Chronic, it is!” Again, he swallows and clear his throat painfully.

What is it with this guy and the repetitive swallowing? And what’s up with the drool?

“Something wrong with your throat, Sir?” I ask. “You seem to be having some trouble swallowing. We can swab your throat and run a quick test, maybe see if it’s strep…”

“No!” he snaps, then swallows again. “My handses hurt! Fibromyalgia, it is! It’s Vicodin we needs, yes Precious! We mussst have Vicodin!”

I fucking knew it. Do these people think we’re stupid?

“Vicodin, huh?” I grunt skeptically. “Who’s your doctor? Do you see a pain management specialist?”

“Dr. Simmons it is, Precious – gollum! – Dr. Simmons! Always, always he gives us Vicodin! We wants it. We needs it!” At the mention of Vicodin, his eyes took on a feral gleam.

“Uh huh,” I grunt noncomittally, “and Dr. Simmons prescribes Vicodin for your chronic pain? Are you out of your pain meds?”

“No more,” he moans mournfully. “Someone stole it, they did. Filthy, tricksy thieveses! Baggins stole it, he did, and leaves poor Smeagol to suffer… no more Vicodins we has – gollum! – no more Somas, no more Xanaxes…”

Riiiight. It’s always someone else’s fault.

“No problem,” I say cheerily, flipping the chart closed and sticking my pen back in my pocket, “all we have to do is call Dr. Simmons, and see about getting your prescription refilled. We don’t do that in the ER, you see.”

“Nooo!” he cries in desperation, “Mustn’t call Dr. Simmons – gollum! – Mustn’t believe Dr. Simmons lieses. Wicked! Tricksy! False! Gollum.”

“You look awfully familiar to me,” I muse. “Have you been here before?”

“No! – gollum! – Never been to nice hosspital before! We just needses Vicodin for our poor, aching handses…no one cares about usss – gollum! -no one knowses what it’s like having fibromyalgia,” he whines pitifully.

“I have seen you before!” I accuse, remembering the exact occasion. “You were in here a couple of months ago, trying to score Lortabs for your kidney stones! Smea Gol…Smeagol?? I gave you 50 of Demerol and 25 of Phenergan in good faith, and your fucking renal CT scan was negative! Oh yeah buddy, I remember you.”

“Wassssn’t usss,” he hisses, eyes darting shiftily.

Sure it wasn’t,” I sneer. “Well, have a seat in the waiting room, Smeagol. We’ll be with you as soon as we can.”

“Smeagol wants Vicodin now,” he hisses threateningly. “Complain on you, we will! Fuck up your Presss-Ganey scoreses, we will! Oh yes we will, Precious!

“That’s spelled D-R-I-V-E-R,” I furnish helpfully, holding out my name tag. “As in Ambulance Driver. Be sure to spell it right on the complaint.”

“Massster will not be pleased,” he snarls. “Smeagol needses his Vicodin. Smeagol wasssn’t supposed to come back without his Vicodin! Master Sum-” Too late, he guiltily claps his hand over his mouth and stares at the floor.

“Master who?” I demand, grabbing him by the throat and pinning him against the wall. “Who sent you? Tell me!”

“Smeagol doesn’t know what Fat Paramedic isss talking about!” he whines in protest. “Smeagol just wants his Vicodin! Gollum!

“Sumdood sent you, didn’t he?” I demand. “I want an answer! Where is he?”

“No one can find the Massster,” Smeagol sneers spitefully. “Fat Paramedic is too late! And Smeagol brought friendses, yes he did!” he gloats, eyeing the waiting room.

I look at the bloodthirsty horde in the waiting room, and from the corner of my eye I catch a glance of my trauma shears in the pocket of my scrub top. They’re glowing with a pale blue light.

Shit, that means fibromyalgia orcs, and now we’re surrounded. Sumdood has changed tactics and caught us unprepared.

“Bar the doors and call the ambulance!” I yell desperately to the bewildered clerk as I fling Smeagol bodily through the ER doors into the waiting room. “We need reinforcements now!”

I turn and sprint back into the ER nurse’s station. Dr. CandyMan and the Ex Missus both look up from their charts.

“We have a problem,” I tell them grimly. “Sumdood has recruited an army. They’re massing on our doorstep as we speak.”

“Sumdood doesn’t work that way,” Dr. CandyMan yawns, unconcerned. “He’s strictly a solo act.”

“He’s using surrogates now,” I insist. “One of them as much as admitted it, right out there at the triage desk!”

“Let me tell you how Sumdood operates,” CandyMan smiles condescendingly. “Sumdood jumps people with no warning, and for no reason. Sumdood plants drugs on innocent citizens. Sumdood steals -“

“He knows how Sumdood operates,” Ex Missus cuts him off. “He was thwarting Sumdood when you were still memorizing the cranial nerves in gross anatomy class.”

“Oh- Oh- Oh- To- Touch- and- Feel- a- Virgin- Girl’s- Vagina- and- Hooters,” Dr. Candyman quotes automatically. “It’s a really good mnemonic for – “

“Shaddup, Doogie,” Ex Missus says dismissively. “We have a real crisis here. How many are out there, AD?”

“Company strength, at least,” I answer, my eyes betraying my concern. “Mixed forces. Toothaches, fibromyalgia, migraine patients. Maybe a dozen more wanting work excuses. Throw in maybe thirty with viral gastroenteritis, and probably a good twenty-five more involved in minor fender-benders a week ago that just want to be ‘checked out.’ And four cave trolls wanting free pregnancy tests.”

“Shit, we’ll be overrun,” Ex Missus breathes. “We need reinforcements. They outnumber us 10:1. We’ll be like the Spartans at The
rmopylae.”

“I’ve got the clerk calling the ambulance service, and I’ve barred the doors. Can we get the sick patients transferred out? We need everyone here who can wield a Foley.”

“All the other ERs are on diversion,” Ex Missus says, fear and realization dawning in her eyes. “There’s no place to send them. And the ambulances are all tied up on calls. Medic One is bringing in a combative meth head, and Medic Two is on scene with a frequent flier with toe pain.”

“This is not just a probing attack,” I confirm. “He’s massing an all-out assault on all fronts. He’ll stop at nothing short of the total collapse of our emergency health care system.”

“Now we don’t know that,” Dr. Candyman admonishes. “I’m sure they’re all just simple sick people, in need of prompt and professional relief of their pain and suffering. We should welcome them in. That’s why we got into health care.”

“You make a move toward opening those doors, and I’ll strangle you with your fucking stethoscope,” Ex Missus warns. “I’m not so sure you’re not a collaborator. I’ve seen how they tend to come around when you’re on duty.”

I am most certainly not!” he huffs. “Besides, how do we know Sumdood sent all these people?”

“They come bearing the Mark of the Beast,” I inform him. “A Medicaid card. And several of them were asking for you by name,” I accuse.

“That proves nothing!” he cries desperately, looking at Ex Missus for support.

“No, it doesn’t,” she agrees, looking at him appraisingly. “But there’s one way to prove your loyalty. Go out there and use It.”

“No, not that!” Doc CandyMan shakes his head vehemently. “It’s…it’s too drastic!”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, Doc,” I inform him. “Sumdood has shifted tactics. We have to adapt.”

“But surely there’s a better way!” he whines, desperately seeking an out. “People will complain! Our patient satisfaction scores will suffer! I’ll risk my bonus!

“Sumdood has gotten inside your OODA loop, Soldier,” I tell him flatly. “He’s dictating the terms now. We have to take back the initiative. You have to go out there and tell them that we require a $50 copay for all non-emergent cases.”

“I won’t do it,” he says obstinately. “You can’t make me.”

“You’re the doctor,” I retort. “You’re supposed to be our leader.”

“You must understand, AD,” he whines. “I can’t do it! I would use this Copay out of the desire to do good, but through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine!”

Pussy. We need a tougher wizard doctor.

I look at Ex Missus for guidance, and she nods decisively.

“Do it,” she orders. “I’ll keep an eye the traitor.”

I pull a document from the file cabinet, march out to the ER entrance, and gird myself for battle. The ER clerk, fear and desperation etched into her features, stands with her back to the barred door. Outside, the howls of the fibromyalgia orcs herald their thirst for blood.

Stout heart, AD. And if you go down, go down swinging.

I heft the six-foot, carved rosewood caduceus adorning the ER hallway off of its hanger, and hold it before me like a scepter. Taking a deep breath, I nod for the ER clerk to clear out, and I fling open the doors.

The patients charge.

Standing resolute, I plant the caduceus on the scarred linoleum at my feet and wave the piece of paper in their faces. Taken aback, they screech to a halt and eye my paper suspiciously.

“YOOUUU SHALL NOT PAAASSSS!”I bellow fiercely, eyes glinting with the light of battle.


This is my moment of truth.

“What is that he has in his handses?” Smeagol sniffs suspiciously. “Fat Paramedic thinks he can drive usss away, he does? Kill him and takes all his Vicodins, we will! Gollum! Yess, yesss and all his Demerols and Morphines too, Precious! And we won’t be paying for it, no we won’t, Precious! We gets them for free, because Masssster gave us The Card!”


“I hold in my hand a magic talisman to defeat your card,” I shout boldly, waving the paper for all to see, “for I stand here before you with the requirement of a CASH COPAYMENT OF FIFTY DOLLARS if your condition is not deemed to be an emergency!”


“Gah! Get it away!” Smeagol recoils in horror. “It freezes us, it burns! It aggravates my herniated discs, it does!”

Behind him, a murmur of fear and disquiet ripples through his comrades. What seemed to be certain victory only a few seconds before, now doesn’t look so sure.

Emboldened, I stride forward and sweep the crowd with a piercing glare. Smeagol cowers in abject terror, and Sumdood’s Army quails before my wrath.

“Let it be known from this point forth, all throughout Middle Earth, or whatever part of it is our catchment area! Those who would utilize the Emergency Department of this fair hospital as their 24-hour free clinic or personal pharmacy shall now be required to remit cash payment in the amount of $50 at the time of services rendered for all conditions deemed by the medical staff to be of a non-urgent nature! At most, you will receive your medical screening examination as set forth by the Emergency Medical Treatment And Labor Act, and be given instructions to follow up with your Primary Care Provider!”

Blank looks abound as I glare triumphantly.

Shit, forgot who my audience was.

“Yo yo yo, that mean if we think yo problem is bullshit, homey ain’t gonna be gettin’ no free drugs or pregnancy tests up in here! This be a cash bidness, bitches! Noamsayne?”

And just like that, Sumdood’s Army runs squealing into the night, leaving only empty coffee cups, Doritos bags and mangled copies of last year’s Time and Newsweek to mark their passing.

“Get thee gone, hirelings!” I shouted at their retreating backs, “And tell your Master Sumdood that I’m coming for him! And Hell’s coming with me!”

********

“…and that’s when I woke up,” I tell Ex Missus as I thumb quarters into the Coke machine. “Pretty freaky, don’t you think?”

“I think you need to stop reading Lord of The Rings to unwind after work,” she answers, shaking her head. “Call Babs or something. Oh, and about you talking to the hospital board in support of the copayment plan?

“Yeah, this Thursday at 1:00, right?”

“Never mind. The last thing I want i
s you speaking to the hospital board. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Comments - Add Yours

  • Farmgirl

    That… is fantastic… *wipes a tear* good lord…”We wants our vicodins, preciousss”

  • Holly

    Whoa, there, AD! I had to take a few seconds to breathe deeply after the non-stop laughing I was doin’ whilst readin’ this post. This was great! The “Sign of the Beasst” indeed. And the Rosewood caduceus? Oh that was classic, just like a Holy Symbol to ward off Vampires. Keep it up,Buddy.

  • Farmgirl

    That… is fantastic… *wipes a tear* good lord…”We wants our vicodins, preciousss”

  • Holly

    Whoa, there, AD! I had to take a few seconds to breathe deeply after the non-stop laughing I was doin’ whilst readin’ this post. This was great! The “Sign of the Beasst” indeed. And the Rosewood caduceus? Oh that was classic, just like a Holy Symbol to ward off Vampires. Keep it up,Buddy.

  • Kaerius

    OMG, that was hillarious!Cannot stop laughing. Bwahahahaha.

  • Kaerius

    OMG, that was hillarious!Cannot stop laughing. Bwahahahaha.

  • MauserMedic

    When will the video version be out on You Tube?

  • MauserMedic

    When will the video version be out on You Tube?

  • MarlaQuack

    Bravo! Bravo!Hey check out my blog for September 5, 2007. The Teen did an English assignment that rocks.

  • MarlaQuack

    Bravo! Bravo!Hey check out my blog for September 5, 2007. The Teen did an English assignment that rocks.

  • Mark

    Can we please have a class 5 beverage alert next time? Oh, and you owe me a new desk chair ;)

  • Mark

    Can we please have a class 5 beverage alert next time? Oh, and you owe me a new desk chair ;)

  • Babs RN

    They’ve been trying to do that here for the past year. The problem is with MD cooperation. Fear of liability (that paper cut might really make their finger fall off) has them cowering in fear of the magical talisman. That and a loudly bucking public.Of course even so, they’ll just all start crying chest pain…..

  • Babs RN

    cowering in fear of the magical talisman. That and a loudly bucking public.Of course even so, they’ll just all start crying chest pain…..

  • sum

    I did NOT send him there. He went there on his own. You have no proof. and I can get Jonny Cochran to you about your Co-pay

  • sum

    I did NOT send him there. He went there on his own. You have no proof. and I can get Jonny Cochran to you about your Co-pay

  • Parameddan

    You can’t escape the all-seeing eye of sumdood’s army, nice try though. Next time, try Dilaudid it’s as good as elven rope it is.

  • Parameddan

    You can’t escape the all-seeing eye of sumdood’s army, nice try though. Next time, try Dilaudid it’s as good as elven rope it is.

  • Anonymous Therapist

    That…was the most wonderful thing I have ever read. Ever.You, sir, are a genius and deserve the highest accolades. You actually made me laugh out loud.

  • Anonymous Therapist

    That…was the most wonderful thing I have ever read. Ever.You, sir, are a genius and deserve the highest accolades. You actually made me laugh out loud.

  • Ali

    That was fabulous! :)

  • Ali

    That was fabulous! :)

  • Nurse K

    I heft the six-foot, carved rosewood caduceus adorning the ER hallway off of its hanger, and hold it before me like a scepter. I keep mine near the Pyxis machine in the “locked” med room where we keep the booty. You never know when one of the snipers will pop out from a cardboard box and catch me off guard. I’ve heard talk that Sumdood is hiding his elite soldiers in cardboard boxes of normal saline and smuggling them into the med rooms of the world. Be advised.

  • Nurse K

    I keep mine near the Pyxis machine in the “locked” med room where we keep the booty. You never know when one of the snipers will pop out from a cardboard box and catch me off guard. I’ve heard talk that Sumdood is hiding his elite soldiers in cardboard boxes of normal saline and smuggling them into the med rooms of the world. Be advised.

  • Vitriolic Virchow

    OY!

  • Vitriolic Virchow

    OY!

  • Dixie

    That is one of the funniest things I have ever read! Bravo, AD.

  • Dixie

    That is one of the funniest things I have ever read! Bravo, AD.

  • BillyBob

    You are a funny man. My wife actually stopped cleaning the kitchen to come in here as I read her your masterpiece, and she hates me reading to her…

  • BillyBob

    You are a funny man. My wife actually stopped cleaning the kitchen to come in here as I read her your masterpiece, and she hates me reading to her…

  • Brandon

    LOL, that was fantastic! Now I just have to try to catch my breath.

  • Brandon

    LOL, that was fantastic! Now I just have to try to catch my breath.

  • Epijunky

    I’m not sure if it was the line about the “Mark of the Beast” or the line that started “Yo yo yo..” that made me laugh harder. Maybe it was the level of truth between the lines.One of my favorite posts ever. Thank you :)

  • Epijunky

    I’m not sure if it was the line about the “Mark of the Beast” or the line that started “Yo yo yo..” that made me laugh harder. Maybe it was the level of truth between the lines.One of my favorite posts ever. Thank you :)

  • born_yesterday

    what is it with weird dreamsssss…sssseems like they’re goin around.

  • born_yesterday

    what is it with weird dreamsssss…sssseems like they’re goin around.

  • JPG

    sundood got inside Candyman’s OODA Loop . . . . Why does that ring a faint, far away bell? Something recent, though – – – -JPG

  • JPG

    Why does that ring a faint, far away bell? Something recent, though – – – -JPG

  • MonkeyGirl

    *swoon*I’m SO jealous of Babs right now…..

  • MonkeyGirl

    *swoon*I’m SO jealous of Babs right now…..

  • Don Gwinn

    I don’t care who you are, that there’s funny.I was expecting nothing more creative than some dusthead who thought it was funny to tell you his name was “Smea Gol” and got catheterized or something.I’m not very quick on the uptake.

  • Don Gwinn

    I don’t care who you are, that there’s funny.I was expecting nothing more creative than some dusthead who thought it was funny to tell you his name was “Smea Gol” and got catheterized or something.I’m not very quick on the uptake.

  • Strings

    You were quicker on the uptake than I was, Don. Well done, AD!

  • Strings

    You were quicker on the uptake than I was, Don. Well done, AD!

  • Digital Falcon

    Astounding in the level of creativity! Thank goodness the rest of us will not be held to the triumphant standard that has been set this day. As the guitarist of Spinal Tap once said upon hearing the playing of Stevie Ray Vaughn “I guess I can just use my guitar as a coffee table now.”Bravo! Bravo!

  • Digital Falcon

    Astounding in the level of creativity! Thank goodness the rest of us will not be held to the triumphant standard that has been set this day. As the guitarist of Spinal Tap once said upon hearing the playing of Stevie Ray Vaughn “I guess I can just use my guitar as a coffee table now.”Bravo! Bravo!

  • Captain America

    “Company strength at least” Priceless. Well done dude. I think I’ve met Mr. Gol before as well.

  • Captain America

    “Company strength at least” Priceless. Well done dude. I think I’ve met Mr. Gol before as well.

  • RobC

    LOTR pops up all over these days I see… Good one AD!

  • RobC

    LOTR pops up all over these days I see… Good one AD!

  • John McElveen

    PRESS GANEYPatientsReturningEvery SingleSaturdayGoingAfterNarcotics and Everyone (of them)Yells (at us)OK- That sucked but Ganey Press Hates I Do!!!!!- sorry- wrong MovieGood one BroJohn

  • John McElveen

    PRESS GANEYPatientsReturningEvery SingleSaturdayGoingAfterNarcotics and Everyone (of them)Yells (at us)OK- That sucked but Ganey Press Hates I Do!!!!!- sorry- wrong MovieGood one BroJohn

  • Markie

    Well, thanks for dashing any possible dreams of creativity I may have still been holding on to.Brilliant post, thanks for the writing!

  • Markie

    Well, thanks for dashing any possible dreams of creativity I may have still been holding on to.Brilliant post, thanks for the writing!

  • mielikki

    laughing hysterically while at work in the West Coast Podunk almost empty ICU. . . my patients now think their nurse is demented. . .thanks, that was a truly great post.

  • mielikki

    laughing hysterically while at work in the West Coast Podunk almost empty ICU. . . my patients now think their nurse is demented. . .thanks, that was a truly great post.

  • Christina

    *wheeze* *wheeze*must catch my breath!ROTFLMAO!!Now the puppies are crying ’cause I woke them up with my cackling.Thanks, AD, you are truly a genius…but don’t let it go to your head.Oh, too late! ;)

  • Christina

    *wheeze* *wheeze*must catch my breath!ROTFLMAO!!Now the puppies are crying ’cause I woke them up with my cackling.Thanks, AD, you are truly a genius…but don’t let it go to your head.Oh, too late! ;)

  • Wanderer

    …can’t breathe…laughing too hard…shhhh…musn’t wake the missus!I think I nearly gave myself a hernia holding in the laughter! I needed that!

  • Wanderer

    …can’t breathe…laughing too hard…shhhh…musn’t wake the missus!I think I nearly gave myself a hernia holding in the laughter! I needed that!

  • lainy

    That was so funny! ROFLMAO

  • lainy

    That was so funny! ROFLMAO

  • Hammer

    hehe good stuff! I needed that :)

  • Hammer

    hehe good stuff! I needed that :)

  • Zanthera

    Now that’s enterntainment

  • Zanthera

    Now that’s enterntainment

  • Scott

    That was awesome. I’m not a big fan of LOTR, but I would watch your version of it any day!

  • Scott

    That was awesome. I’m not a big fan of LOTR, but I would watch your version of it any day!

  • Nurse Stella

    Fabulous! Took me a bit to stop laughing. I’m going to share this with our ER and EMS gang!

  • Nurse Stella

    Fabulous! Took me a bit to stop laughing. I’m going to share this with our ER and EMS gang!

  • Overeducated Twit

    Oh dear…I thought it couldn’t get any better than Gollum, but by the time I reached “Yo yo yo,” I about spewed coffee all over my laptop.A little warning would be nice :).

  • Overeducated Twit

    Oh dear…I thought it couldn’t get any better than Gollum, but by the time I reached “Yo yo yo,” I about spewed coffee all over my laptop.A little warning would be nice :).

  • Cinnkitty

    OH MY GOD!!! That was…that was…. that was so fun to read it was practically orgasmic! ;)

  • Cinnkitty

    OH MY GOD!!! That was…that was…. that was so fun to read it was practically orgasmic! ;)

  • Wyatt Earp

    Fantastic! And my experience told me that it probably wasn’t a dream with some of the wackos out there . . .

  • Wyatt Earp

    Fantastic! And my experience told me that it probably wasn’t a dream with some of the wackos out there . . .

  • Kate

    This is one of your best! You need to put it on the top of your “Greatest Hits” list – today!

  • Kate

    This is one of your best! You need to put it on the top of your “Greatest Hits” list – today!

  • Nurse K

    I posted a battle plan for my facility. It’s never too early to prepare and practice for the battle between The Good and The Evil Meth-Mouthed Drug Seekers.

  • Nurse K

    for my facility. It’s never too early to prepare and practice for the battle between The Good and The Evil Meth-Mouthed Drug Seekers.

  • Doctor Bee

    Best. Post. EVAR.Golf clap from pediatrics over here!

  • Doctor Bee

    Best. Post. EVAR.Golf clap from pediatrics over here!

  • Mrs. Who

    Brilliant…absolutely brilliant!And better than LotR. No homo-hobbits, at least!

  • Mrs. Who

    Brilliant…absolutely brilliant!And better than LotR. No homo-hobbits, at least!

  • Lioness

    This was really great. I love me some Tolkien!I’ve been reading for a while, and you never fail to move me in some way.www.pridemama.com

  • Lioness

    This was really great. I love me some Tolkien!I’ve been reading for a while, and you never fail to move me in some way.www.pridemama.com

  • Maeve

    I just about peed myself over the vicodin being called “precious”.

  • Maeve

    I just about peed myself over the vicodin being called “precious”.

  • Kat

    HAHAHAHA! BRILLIANT!

  • phlegmfatale

    That was deliciously ripping yarn! Well done!

  • Kat

    HAHAHAHA! BRILLIANT!

  • phlegmfatale

    That was deliciously ripping yarn! Well done!

  • Captain America

    Dude I had to make it my post of the week feature. Hope you don’t mind! Rock on!

  • Captain America

    Dude I had to make it my post of the week feature. Hope you don’t mind! Rock on!

  • 24HourNurse

    Oh my GOD!!! YOU ARE GOD WHEN IT COMES TO SUMDOOD! I have not had a laugh liKe this in months!!!! tHANK YOU SO MUCH..dEFINITELY NEEDED IT! more more more!!! ENCORE!!

  • 24HourNurse

    Oh my GOD!!! YOU ARE GOD WHEN IT COMES TO SUMDOOD! I have not had a laugh liKe this in months!!!! tHANK YOU SO MUCH..dEFINITELY NEEDED IT! more more more!!! ENCORE!!

  • Loving Annie

    Ha-ha-ha-ha !!!! Oh AD, you are such a crack-up ! I swear, your writing is brilliant ! hee-hee. The Lord of the Rings comparison was hysterical – and so true for how the drug seekers act !!!!! snicker…Anyway, hope that all is going well for you this Thursday evening the 6th, that when you and Babs get to see each-other (very soon I think, yes ?) that all goes even better than expected; and I also wanted to thank you for the good wishes for Mark and myself on our 6th date this Sunday/when I’ll meet his kids for the first time !

  • Loving Annie

    Ha-ha-ha-ha !!!! Oh AD, you are such a crack-up ! I swear, your writing is brilliant ! hee-hee. The Lord of the Rings comparison was hysterical – and so true for how the drug seekers act !!!!! snicker…Anyway, hope that all is going well for you this Thursday evening the 6th, that when you and Babs get to see each-other (very soon I think, yes ?) that all goes even better than expected; and I also wanted to thank you for the good wishes for Mark and myself on our 6th date this Sunday/when I’ll meet his kids for the first time !

  • angell

    Abso-smurfly-freaking-brilliant!! I tried commenting yesterday, but blogger was down.:(But I re-read it this morning and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve read in a LONG time.AD- you have to write the book on Sumdood – I’ll buy a dozen copies for my friends.

  • angell

    Abso-smurfly-freaking-brilliant!! I tried commenting yesterday, but blogger was down.:(But I re-read it this morning and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve read in a LONG time.AD- you have to write the book on Sumdood – I’ll buy a dozen copies for my friends.

  • Omnibus Driver

    My sinuses have been remarkably clear since I began reading you blog. Why, you ask? Because you cause me to regularly shoot coffee through my nose. I should know enough to put the liquids down before approaching the monitor when it’s your writing I’m about to read.

  • Omnibus Driver

    My sinuses have been remarkably clear since I began reading you blog. Why, you ask? Because you cause me to regularly shoot coffee through my nose. I should know enough to put the liquids down before approaching the monitor when it’s your writing I’m about to read.

  • Laurie

    Absolutely hilarious!!! My only regret is that I read it in a public place and had to try and contain my laughter. Great stuff!

  • Laurie

    Absolutely hilarious!!! My only regret is that I read it in a public place and had to try and contain my laughter. Great stuff!

  • Madalyn

    ROTFL!!!! Ringer/Paramedic student here, just wanting to tell you that that was hilarious! I’m going to have to read it at least 5 times to absorb all the jokes…Fantastic job!

  • Madalyn

    ROTFL!!!! Ringer/Paramedic student here, just wanting to tell you that that was hilarious! I’m going to have to read it at least 5 times to absorb all the jokes…Fantastic job!

  • Black Ice

    OK…”Absolute Genius” is the only way to describe that post. I laughed, I cried, I fell down, it changed my life, it was hysterical.In case the Forces of Sumdood need a translation: Dat wuz sum sick-azz funny shiznit, yo!! ;D

  • Black Ice

    OK…”Absolute Genius” is the only way to describe that post. I laughed, I cried, I fell down, it changed my life, it was hysterical.In case the Forces of Sumdood need a translation: Dat wuz sum sick-azz funny shiznit, yo!! ;D

  • beajerry

    That’s the BEST!!

  • beajerry

    That’s the BEST!!

  • Ms. Feasance

    As amusing as this is, it raises a question. Is fibromyalgia ever a legitimate diagnosis? It seems, from a lot of the ER blogs I’ve come across, that fibromyalgia is almost completely disdained; is that because it leads to drug-seeking behavior, or because it’s just “soft”?

  • Ms. Feasance

    As amusing as this is, it raises a question. Is fibromyalgia ever a legitimate diagnosis? It seems, from a lot of the ER blogs I’ve come across, that fibromyalgia is almost completely disdained; is that because it leads to drug-seeking behavior, or because it’s just “soft”?

    • chroniccurve

      It is very much a real diagnosis, one that the Mayo Clinic is now classifying as a sensorineurological condition and is often secondary to very real chronic autoimmune diseases. I would know– I have both secondary Fibromyalgia and four autoimmune diseases and received my diagnosis at the Mayo Clinic. Drug seekers really cause legitimate patients with legitimate pain a ton of problems. It’s infuriating to read about.

  • kcalohagirl

    I came late to this post, having linked to it from another journal, and had to link back to it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages, and I needed a pick-me-up after my last couple shifts.Thanks!

  • kcalohagirl

    I came late to this post, having linked to it from another journal, and had to link back to it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages, and I needed a pick-me-up after my last couple shifts.Thanks!

  • kcalohagirl

    I came late to this post, having linked to it from another journal, and had to link back to it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages, and I needed a pick-me-up after my last couple shifts.Thanks!

  • kcalohagirl

    I came late to this post, having linked to it from another journal, and had to link back to it. It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages, and I needed a pick-me-up after my last couple shifts.Thanks!

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been watching this blog for a while now, but I just now found this “Sumdood” post… and I’ve been reading about Sumdood for a good while now. Yup, that’s funny.”Mark of the Beast” = Medicaid Card.Goes to the intent of the user. I know because I have one. It’s our tax dollars at work and Sumdood’s crowd are theives. I have nothing but contempt for those who abuse it like that.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been watching this blog for a while now, but I just now found this “Sumdood” post… and I’ve been reading about Sumdood for a good while now. Yup, that’s funny.”Mark of the Beast” = Medicaid Card.Goes to the intent of the user. I know because I have one. It’s our tax dollars at work and Sumdood’s crowd are theives. I have nothing but contempt for those who abuse it like that.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been watching this blog for a while now, but I just now found this “Sumdood” post… and I’ve been reading about Sumdood for a good while now. Yup, that’s funny.”Mark of the Beast” = Medicaid Card.Goes to the intent of the user. I know because I have one. It’s our tax dollars at work and Sumdood’s crowd are theives. I have nothing but contempt for those who abuse it like that.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been watching this blog for a while now, but I just now found this “Sumdood” post… and I’ve been reading about Sumdood for a good while now. Yup, that’s funny.”Mark of the Beast” = Medicaid Card.Goes to the intent of the user. I know because I have one. It’s our tax dollars at work and Sumdood’s crowd are theives. I have nothing but contempt for those who abuse it like that.

  • justagirl

    i totally agree with mausermedic! this definitely ought to be a video!

  • justagirl

    i totally agree with mausermedic! this definitely ought to be a video!

  • justagirl

    i totally agree with mausermedic! this definitely ought to be a video!

  • justagirl

    i totally agree with mausermedic! this definitely ought to be a video!

  • Aila

    Bit late to the party, but I just read that to my 3 month old as a bedtime story…

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