FIRST ARRIVING NETWORK
First Arriving Network
Powered by the First Arriving Network, Reaching 1M+ First Responders Worldwide

Sumdood’s Best Friend


No, not this critter.
Actually, popular lore has it that Sumdood is afraid of dogs. Quite a few of my patients with a positive tattoo:tooth ratio keep vicious dogs for the express purpose of “keeping Sumdood from breakin’ inta mah trailer and stealin’ mah shit.”

Apparently, they make dandy guards for meth labs and marijuana patches, too.

No, I’m talking about this critter:


Let me introduce you to Loxosceles reclusa, commonly known as the brown recluse spider.

Normally, the brown recluse prefers dry woodpiles, cellars, closets and dark places in warmer climates from the southern midwestern US to the Gulf coast. Dark, warm and dry – that’s what our arachnid friend prefers.

But Sumdood, through selective breeding, recombinant DNA technology and his own Dark Powers, has developed a new strain of this shy, non-aggressive critter. This new subspecies, Loxosceles reclusa sumdoodicus, possesses none of the characteristics of its benign forebear.

It thrives in cold climates.

It loves casino hotel rooms and trailer parks.

It’s at home in cold, tiled bathrooms bathed in fluorescent light.

Rather than a cozy, dry woodpile full of small bugs and shredded bark, this critter prefers the groins, armpits and sweaty ass cracks of methamphetamine addicts and the hygienically impaired.

Rather than scuttle into a dark corner at the first sign of danger, reclusa sumdoodicus goes on the attack, often launching itself from light fixtures, toilet drains and slot machine levers, fangs bared and dripping with venom.

And oh what venom, folks! Sumdood has managed to breed a subspecies of spider that, instead of venom, secretes pure, virulent methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus.

Apparently, these spiders are almost all venom, because as soon as they bite, their dessicated bodies fall to the floor and crumble to dust. How else to explain the fact that we see dozens – nay, hundreds! – of spider bite victims every month, all of them with bite wounds teeming with drug-resistant bacteria, yet none of them ever bring in the spider?

Clearly, a darker force is at work here.

Our epidemiologists here at Podunk General Hospital, Nail Salon, Tire Repair and Crawfish Hut have isolated the target population for Sumdood’s campaign of arachnid-vectored germ warfare.

Seems that upwards of 75% of them are substance abusers with a low soap and toilet paper budget. The majority of them are unemployed, uninsured or on Medicaid. These spiders tend to have a taste for the flesh of the economically disadvantaged. You can see where I’m going with this.

Clearly, Sumdood is a Republican.

He is bent on wiping out the Democratic voter base while, at the same time, lining the pockets of Big Pharmacy through increased sales of powerful antibiotics like Cleocin and Vancomycin.

We suspect that Halliburton runs most of the clandestine spider hatcheries across the country, but thus far the Bush administration has stymied our investigation at every turn. We’ll keep you posted of new developments.

Until then, pay your insurance premiums, bathe frequently, kick your meth habit, and wipe your ass.

It keeps the killer spiders away.

SHARE THIS
Looking for a Great Selection of Quality Used Fire Engines, Aerials & Rescues?
Click Here for Command Fire Apparatus

Comments - Add Yours

  • kateykakes

    That’s some pretty nasty shit – and creepy too!Although I have no fears of this ever happening to me, it’s still good to know these things.Thanks, AD.

  • kateykakes

    That’s some pretty nasty shit – and creepy too!Although I have no fears of this ever happening to me, it’s still good to know these things.Thanks, AD.

  • Nurse K

    I also think these Evil Republican Spiders make the POOR, UNSUSPECTING PATIENTS walk around the room purposelessly, touch/fiddle with everything, and not sleep ever. Wonder what that’s about.

  • Nurse K

    I also think these Evil Republican Spiders make the POOR, UNSUSPECTING PATIENTS walk around the room purposelessly, touch/fiddle with everything, and not sleep ever. Wonder what that’s about.

  • MonkeyGirl

    In our neck of the woods, they never bring in the carcasses of the Evil Republican Spiders because said spiders steal their cars and escape.Why else would they all have to call 911 to be transported in for their spider bites, and then demand a cab voucher to get home?

  • MonkeyGirl

    have to call 911 to be transported in for their spider bites, and then demand a cab voucher to get home?

  • Brandon

    LOL, damn GOP death spiders!!

  • Brandon

    LOL, damn GOP death spiders!!

  • Kyle J.

    I almost just woke up my entire firehouse with laughter.

  • Kyle J.

    I almost just woke up my entire firehouse with laughter.

  • Ribeye of your Dreams

    I just about pissed myself laughing at that one. I’ve not been bitten by a recluse, nor have the kitties. We have a ton of them in the house though, the kitties play with them, I catch them and either flush them or burn them with cigarettes. I guess I’ve been lucky. As long as they don’t bite my soapy clean bunghole I’m happy to just kill them.RagingServer.com

  • Chris in SE TX

    Oh, good God!Come on, AD!How can you write stuff like this on your blog?!?Man, I’ve enjoyed your posts, I really have……but now…I’m afraid you’re either going to be invited to a hunt with The Emperor Dick, or, even worse…… you’re going to be assigned to the Haliburton Mars Paramedic Outpost….Man, it’s beem nice knowing you…

  • Chris in SE TX

    Oh, good God!Come on, AD!How can you write stuff like this on your blog?!?Man, I’ve enjoyed your posts, I really have……but now…I’m afraid you’re either going to be invited to a hunt with The Emperor Dick, or, even worse…… you’re going to be assigned to the Haliburton Mars Paramedic Outpost….Man, it’s beem nice knowing you…

  • Don Gwinn

    Interesting.There was an article in “Real Fighter” last year about this very phenomenon. Grapplers and MMA fighters spend a lot of time in close bodily contact with sweaty people, and until recently, it was thought that MMA fighters and grapplers were also surprisingly prone to black-recluse spider bites. Several pros have been sidelined (or competed anyway, gulping down steaming-hot mugs of PHAIL) with massive necrotic-looking open wounds they attributed to spider bites.I think nowadays MRSA is in the news enough that most grapplers I know realize what’s really going on. You can shower all you want, but there’s so much of it out there, the odds are still good that somebody’s going to end up with a problem if there’s a school of 100 people and they’re all spending several hours per week grinding skin on skin.And yes, the rumors are true, BJJ and grappling in general are the unsexiest simulations of gay sex you’ll ever witness.

  • Don Gwinn

    Interesting.There was an article in “Real Fighter” last year about this very phenomenon. Grapplers and MMA fighters spend a lot of time in close bodily contact with sweaty people, and until recently, it was thought that MMA fighters and grapplers were also surprisingly prone to black-recluse spider bites. Several pros have been sidelined (or competed anyway, gulping down steaming-hot mugs of PHAIL) with massive necrotic-looking open wounds they attributed to spider bites.I think nowadays MRSA is in the news enough that most grapplers I know realize what’s really going on. You can shower all you want, but there’s so much of it out there, the odds are still good that somebody’s going to end up with a problem if there’s a school of 100 people and they’re all spending several hours per week grinding skin on skin.And yes, the rumors are true, BJJ and grappling in general are the unsexiest simulations of gay sex you’ll ever witness.

  • Scott

    Bwaahahahaha! Mersa spiders! Where do you come up with this stuff? Interestingly I am going to try to write a post on the futility of antibiotics and the promise of bacteriophage therapy.

  • Scott

    Bwaahahahaha! Mersa spiders! Where do you come up with this stuff? Interestingly I am going to try to write a post on the futility of antibiotics and the promise of bacteriophage therapy.

  • PinkPiddyPaws

    Damn AD….Chris beat me to it! I was pretty sure that the next thing you were gonna say was that you told Sumdood the best way to kill the little fuckers was to take a shotgun to them….ha..ha.ha… Republicans indeed! hee..hee..heee!!

  • PinkPiddyPaws

    Damn AD….Chris beat me to it! I was pretty sure that the next thing you were gonna say was that you told Sumdood the best way to kill the little fuckers was to take a shotgun to them….ha..ha.ha… Republicans indeed! hee..hee..heee!!

  • Hammer

    Damn republican conspiracies! ;)I’ve seen a few meth heads who look like their face bore a recluse colony.

  • Hammer

    Damn republican conspiracies! ;)I’ve seen a few meth heads who look like their face bore a recluse colony.

  • ERnursey

    “Sumdood is a republican” oh stop, you are killing me. LOL

  • ERnursey

    “Sumdood is a republican” oh stop, you are killing me. LOL

  • Anonymous

    AD, not to detract from your extremely valid assessment of the shituation, but are all of the staph infections cultured in your ER? I ask because I’ve seen a genetic problem associated with syndrome x/PCOS called hidradenitis suppurativa that very closely mimics MRSA lesions but cultures out clean or with secondary infection. I’m a microbiologist, not a medical professional, but I understand the treatment for the second case is hormone therapy, not vanco. I’m sure you’ve heard of this, but I know of more than one person who has gone to their regular doc, been dismissed as having Ca-MRSA without so much as a culture, and went home to mismedicate themselves. There’s not much that irks me more than working with monster bugs regularly and knowing that antibiotics are getting increasingly useless.I just got off the phone with my grandma. Damn it all, she has MRSA.-Mandy in Arkansas

  • Anonymous

    AD, not to detract from your extremely valid assessment of the shituation, but are all of the staph infections cultured in your ER? I ask because I’ve seen a genetic problem associated with syndrome x/PCOS called hidradenitis suppurativa that very closely mimics MRSA lesions but cultures out clean or with secondary infection. I’m a microbiologist, not a medical professional, but I understand the treatment for the second case is hormone therapy, not vanco. I’m sure you’ve heard of this, but I know of more than one person who has gone to their regular doc, been dismissed as having Ca-MRSA without so much as a culture, and went home to mismedicate themselves. There’s not much that irks me more than working with monster bugs regularly and knowing that antibiotics are getting increasingly useless.I just got off the phone with my grandma. Damn it all, she has MRSA.-Mandy in Arkansas

  • Ambulance Driver

    “AD, not to detract from your extremely valid assessment of the shituation, but are all of the staph infections cultured in your ER?”Mandy, we routinely do a culture and sensitivity test for every abscess that we incise and drain. Not all of them are ripe enough for an I&D, though. For the ER treatment, we’ll typically give an IM cephalosporin or perhaps IV Levaqin or Cleocin for the very sick ones.The only ones that get Vanc are the patients who a) are admitted and b)have a positive MRSA culture (usually from the current abscess, but some of our docs will order it before we get the results of the C&S if the patient is one of our chronic abscessors with a history of MRSA)Abscessor. Heh. I invented a new word.Part of my weekly job duties is notifying patients of positive culture results. Lab enters all positive cultures in the log, our Infection Control Nurse pulls all the pertinent charts, and I review ‘em to see if the appropriate antibiotics were prescribed. If not, I contact the patient and have them follow up with their PCP or come back to the ER for the proper antibiotics.The vast majority of the positive cultures (and I’d say more of them are positive than not) are simple staphylococcus aureus, but a significant number of the total are drug-resistant.Interesting stuff about the hidradenitis suppurativa, though.I’ll have to do a Medline search and edumacate myself on that.

  • Ambulance Driver

    , but a significant number of the total are drug-resistant.Interesting stuff about the hidradenitis suppurativa, though.I’ll have to do a Medline search and edumacate myself on that.

  • Anonymous

    I’m glad to hear that your crew is so thorough and conscientious! I worry for the example some of my nursing students are getting. From what I can tell by the Google School of Medicine, there’s a lot of mixed information and disagreement out there on what causes hidradenitis suppurativa and what the best treatment is, but it tends to show up with immune and hormonal disorders. Oh, and most patients are scared, embarrassed, and desperate for help because they’re getting hit with something that makes them as miserable as a staph spider on a regular basis.-Mandy in AR

  • Anonymous

    I’m glad to hear that your crew is so thorough and conscientious! I worry for the example some of my nursing students are getting. From what I can tell by the Google School of Medicine, there’s a lot of mixed information and disagreement out there on what causes hidradenitis suppurativa and what the best treatment is, but it tends to show up with immune and hormonal disorders. Oh, and most patients are scared, embarrassed, and desperate for help because they’re getting hit with something that makes them as miserable as a staph spider on a regular basis.-Mandy in AR