Ambulance Driver Files A Day in the Life | Kelly Grayson
AD: “Nope.”
NROM: “Me neither. Can you hear what they’re saying?”
AD: “Something along the lines of ‘welcome to the largest, most bestest ambulance company ever, 75% employee-owned, warm, fuzzy, and with our best interests at heart’, I think.”
NROM (snorting): “I’ll bet that’s what The Borg said right before they assimilated a new civilization. You buying any of it?”
AD (shrugging): “Resistance is futile, Dude.”
NROM (waking with a start): “Shit, did I fall asleep? What did I miss, Dude?”
AD: “Something along the lines of ‘welcome to the largest, most bestest ambulance company ever, 75% employee-owned, warm, fuzzy, and with our best interests at heart’, I think.”
NROM: “No really, what were they saying?”
AD: “They’ll buy you three new uniforms every six months, match your 401k contribution at a 4:1 ratio, all the health insurance is free, with no deductible, 10% cost-of-living raises every year, and they’ll give you a pony on your first anniversary with the company.”
NROM: “Shit, no foolin’? That’s pretty good for a – hey, wait a minute…a pony?”
AD (winking): “Or something like that.”
NROM: “You’re not going to tell me what I missed?”
AD: “It’s all in your packet, Dude. Don’t sweat it. They did say they’ll pay us a $25 bounty for ratting out any co-worker who falls asleep in orientation. Thanks for paying my cable bill this month.”
NROM: “Don’t mention it. Wake me up when we’re dismissed.”
NROM (yawning and stretching): “About time. Hey Dude, what’s with the mannequins in the front of the room?”
AD: “I think those are the uniforms.”
NROM: “No way! Even the one on the right?”
AD: “That was the original uniform from the 1970s. Nice fashion statement, ain’t it?”
NROM: “Who the hell designed it, Herb Tarlek?”
AD: “I was thinking maybe Ralph Furley, but that works, too.”
***** after lunch *****
Orientation Coordinator (calling roll): “New Recruit Older Medic?”
NROM: “Yo.”
Orientation Coordinator: “Ambulance Driver?”
AD: “Call me AD. All my friends do.”
NROM (whispering): “Ass kisser.”
OC (haltingly): “Uh…this is a tough one…Gee-ya-co-mo?“
Impossibly Eager Brand Spanking New EMT (hotly): “That’s Jock-a-moe!”
OC (dubiously): “Guacamole?”
IEBSNEMT (gritting his teeth): “Jock. Uh. Moe.”
AD: “Forget it, kid. That’s one nickname that’s gonna stick.”
***** that night *****
NROM: “Shit, don’t tell me this is where we’ll be sleeping.”
AD: “Yeah, it does have kind of a summer camp kind of feel to it, doesn’t it?”
NROM: “I thought they were putting us up in hotel rooms.”
AD: “Well, when you pay $15 million bucks to build a facility, I suppose you want to start using it right away. Look at it this way: everything’s brand new, so no splooge stains on the mattresses. Where you gonna find a hotel that can say that?”
IEBSNEMT (peeking in the door): “Uh, is this Room 117?”
NROM: “Hey, Guacamole! Come on in and meet your new roomies!”
IEBSNEMT (bristling): “My name is Jock-a-“
AD: “Don’t argue with us, Guacamole. We’ve been medics since you were still shitting your namesake. How long have you been an EMT?”
Guacamole: “Thirty-six days.”
NROM: “How old are you, kid?”
Guacamole (blushing): “Nineteen.”
NROM: “You thinking what I’m thinking, AD?”
AD: “Yup. We have found our designated driver. Throw your shit on the spare bed, Guacamole, and grab your keys.”
Guacamole: “Where are we going?”
NROM: “To the nearest place that has beer, hot wings, and the Hornets game on television.”
Guacamole (smugly): “I know just the place. There’s a good titty bar right next door.”
AD: “Guacamole, this looks like the start of a beautiful friendship.”
NROM (sleepily): “Then turn around so your feet are at this end of your bed.”
Guacamole: “These damned blankets are thinner than dish towels, damn it! And your feet are touching mine now!”
AD: “Would you rather be playing footsie with him, or smelling his funky feet?”
Guacamole: “I’d rather be in a damned hotel room by myself!”
NROM: “Just go to sleep, kid. You’re gonna need your rest.”
NROM: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
AD: “It means that I sleepwalk, and you may be up all night leading me back to bed. I like to spoon, too, so if I crawl into bed with you, don’t make any sudden moves.”
Guacamole (laughing nervously in the dark): “You guys are just messin’ with me, right?”
AD (grinning evilly): “Good night, Guacamole. Pleasant dreams.”
***** fifteen minutes later *****
Guacamole: “Aaaaaaaaggghhhhh! What the hell was that?”
AD (creeeping stealthily back to bed): “God, I’d forgotten how fun rookies are!”
NROM: “Yep. Good for hours of fun and enjoyment.”