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Overheard On The Bolance

At 0330, in a romantically lit bedroom somewhere in Louisiana:

Woman: "We were having sex, and all of a sudden, he screamed."

AD: "And?"

Man: "And then blood spurted everywhere."

Woman: "It ain't coming from me."

AD: "And?"

Man: "And my privates hurt real bad."

AD (sighing because I am once again about to violate a Rule of EMS*): "Okay, lemme see."

Man (flipping away the sheets and looking up at me fearfully): "I hurt real bad, dude."

AD: "Ah, I see. When this happened, were you, um… how do I phrase this… having vigorous intercourse?"

Man and Woman: [blank stares]

AD: "You know, kinda enthusiastic?"

Man and Woman: [more blank stares]

AD (sighing): "Were you tapping it good, bro? Hittin' it hard?"

Woman: [blushes]

Man (proudly): "Yeah, I was. I was really plowing the short rows, man."

Partner: [gigglesnorts]

AD (suppressing a grin, and mentally adding a new phrase to my euphemisms for rough sex): "Yeah, that'll do it. You broke your penis, sir."

Man: "I didn't know you could break your penis. Will it heal on its own? I really don't want to go to the hospital."

AD: "You need to go to the hospital, sir."

Man (pressing hopefully): "Yeah, but it'll heal on its own, right? They're not gonna cut on my dick, are they?"

AD: "I don't know."

Woman: "Go to the hospital, baby. Somethin' wrong wit' you."

Man: "You said you've seen it before, though. What do you mean you don't know?"

AD: "I've seen broken penises before, but never one that bled externally. You need to see a urologist."

Man (stubbornly): "I ain't going to no hospital. I ain't lettin' nobody cut on my dick."

AD: "Sir, your penis is not supposed to look like an eggplant. Moreover, there are only two things that are supposed to come out of your urethra, and blood ain't one of 'em. If my junk was spouting blood like a friggin' pulsating shower head, I'd wanna get it looked at before it fell off."

Man: "Okay, I'll go to the hospital."

AD: "Wise choice, sir."

Paramedics have a pretty high threshold for what constitutes an emergency. Generally, if you ain't dying, we don't think it needs an ambulance.

But for anything that makes your penis spout an arterial blood spray, I'd make an exception.



*Rule Four of EMS: Handle no one's junk but your own.


Comments - Add Yours

  • Brian Wall

    So, it was bad enough to call 911, but not to go to the ER? In that situation, I would have bypassed 911 and gone directly to the ER. Maybe its just me.

    • Rick W

       They would have to catch me! I would have set a new land speed record to the nearest E/R.  And if a cop pulled me over, wanna bet I would get a police escort shortly thereafter?

  • ZerCool

    … And every male reader just cringed and crossed his legs….

  • Jeff

    Oh, I am so glad I started reading you again!  :)

  • Danny

    One of my friends recently had a call for a drunk patient who had somehow pulled out his foley catheter… with the balloon inflated. Ouch!

    • Andrew Tucker

      That happens a lot actually. It’s almost as common as the pulled G-Tube.

  • Jim Curtis

    +1 on Zercool… sigh

  • Tammykatt

    That’s Awesome

  • Chasity

    This just made my day, after the crappy shift I had yesterday!! :) Thanks!!!

  • nikkie L.

    Oh hell I’m not a guy but I cringed and giggled.. sorry guys

  • Idamama

    No eggplant with dinner for a loooong time

  • Mork

    I thought he was coming, but he was going.

  • Lskylimper

    My rookie partner and i were dispatched to a assisted living facility (unlicensed) for a elderly man who was having problems with his catheter. Upon arrival I saw something I had never seen and knocked me to my knees. The man had pulled on the catheter so much that it split his penis right down the urethra! My partner asked “How do we treat this?”. I looked at it and being the senior EMT decided that I would bandage it while my partner held it together. Because of the injury and the disorientation of the patient, transported him Code 2 (we could still run code2 back then) to the hospital.

  • Too Old To Work

    Third Rule of EMS: “I touch no one’s penis, but my own.”

  • MSgt B

    That post made my day.
    I have a new goal in life….

  • Jpbaker1988

    Poor guy….his penis made an illegal u-turn

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  • Gary U (PG)

    plowin the short rows thats a new one!

  • Chris Claypoole

    I must be really mean-spirited. I laughed until I nearly fell out of my chair.

  • Crotalus

    Dude, if you’re spoutin’ arterial blood spray, from ANYWHERE, you’re dyin’!

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  • Robert Garrard

    I saw that happen to a bull on a ranch where I worked right out of high school.  He lunged on top of a cow and hit her in the back of the leg with all his weight behind it.  Not a pretty sight.

  • Mel Maguire

    I was once told a story about a man at home with a Foley.  He decided it was really uncomfortable and he wanted to take it out, but it wouldn’t come out – so, like any genius would, he decided the best course of action was to remove it like a band-aid.  Quick and clean.

    I’ll let your imaginations do the rest.  ;-)

  • Medic Tiny SC

    Hipaathetically speaking somewhere in the southeast there is an now well seasoned paramedic while going home from “her” last paramedic ride time before graduation came upon a motorcycle wreck and found a man lying in the middle of the road holding his genitals. The story goes something like this “I found him holding his thing. I saw the blood and i didnt think anything but direct pressure.” and that how I found them. You guessed it. She had to ride all the way back to the trauma center holding his junk….. a lil hazing? nah