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A Helpful Hint From Your Uncle Ambulance Driver

Protip: If you have imbibed a bit too much of the spirits, and you pass out naked in bed, whereupon you suddenly realize you are about to lose control of your bowels and bladder like a veritable Vesuvius of feces…

… then the place to run is the bathroom. The. Bathroom.

Whatever happens, do not – I beg of you, do not – run around your apartment like the flight of the shit bumblebee, and then hasten to the farthest reaches of said apartment, hastily pulling on your clothes while you are still erupting.

If you do, expect that neither will I be sympathetic to your plight, nor the slightest bit inclined to help you clean up.

Then again, perhaps I’m expecting too much of someone who thinks it’s appropriate to call 911 when they have the tequila splatters.

Comments - Add Yours

  • julied

    i don’t even want to think about this ….

  • Don Gwinn

    All I can say is, “better you than me, old son.”

  • Kj_reed

    Please pass the brain bleach!

  • John

    Gol darnit, Mr. AD, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar inner approval whore. 

  • Jennifer


  • Old Windways

    I thought I saw a lot in my fraternity days, but this…  this is a new one.

  • Geoffrey Horning

    Hahahahaha.  The mystery’s of shit.  When I was too young to work legally, I used to work in my Uncles Motorcycle shop.  I cleaned, waxed, lifted, stocked, etc…Those were some nasty bathrooms, and my first introduction to the…well the shit that people can do with shit.  In this context it does not deserve another softer name such as poop or feces, or poo poo.  It is purely 100% shit.  In my college days there was a bar chick we all knew famous for her shit-capades. After a particularly hard night of drinking, she passed out in a frat house bathroom, when they finally made enough noise to wake her up she came barreling out of the loo leaving behind her wonderful gift.  On the toilet, on the floor, on the wall.  They later found it on the walls of the house as it had apparently been all over her hands…some people.  Sorry it had to be you this time, but you gotta admit, these stories are the spice of life!  “flight of the shit bumblebee”  ROFL, now that’s funny shit!

  • Timothyo Casey

    An old saying comes to mind. Lacking of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency for me. Yet 911 is a clearing house for bad planners none the less. I feel your pain man.

  • Paul B.

    We did have a ‘phantom shitter’ once on my ship. I used to refer to it as ‘voting with your ass.’       Still, the visual I got was one of those Eddie Murphy family comedies, when you see him looking in the bathroom with a horrified expression as he looks down, screams, looks to one side, screams, looks to the other, screams, and looks overhead, and screams more.

  • sharppointy1

    Hahahaha!!  A serious Code Brown.  need biohazard suits.  Who in the world would be stooopid enough to call the ambo for the nice ambulance drivers to have to see what horrors their body produced in their own apartment?
    I’m imagining once the imbiber woke up s/he was completely horrified.