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Dear Borg IT Drones,

I’m sure, never having worked on an ambulance, that you’re mightily impressed with our recent CAD software upgrade.

And truly, the graphics and buttons are kinda sexy.

But while it probably makes sense to you to set it up to have the computer automatically plot a route to every friggin’ destination, to us, the end users, the functionality is somewhat lessened by the fact that our GPS network apparently consists of two 70’s era satellites communicating via tin cans and a really long string, and the route processing algorithm was apparently written by little Billy from the Family Circus comic strip.

So until you manage to develop a mapping system that doesn’t suck great big rocks off the sea floor, I have a request:

Go to the dispatch server at Headquarters Hive, log in with your admin password, and choose the “System settings” drop down list on the top tool bar.

From there, choose Navigation > Route Planning > Preferences, and un-check the box that says “make as many 90 degree turns as possible.”

And while you’re there, go to Route Planning > Preferences > Avoidances, and check the boxes for “ghetto,” “construction zone,” “bike path,” “game trail,” and “wander around aimlessly like a drunken fucking sailor.”

Thanks ever so much,
Ambulance Driver

Comments - Add Yours

  • Morris

    Sounds a bit like some of our Aussie GPS systems.. Take their instructions to heart and you’re just as likely to end up in the Outback.

  • Chris

    I have been lobbying Garmin for an “avoid the ghetto” button for about a decade now, they dont answer my emails.

  • Tim

    Had a dispatcher call me tonight and ask if I needed directions because the gps showed me completely off course….. Apparently they forgot I called on scene two minutes prior!

  • Joseph from IL

    Dear Ambulance Driver,
    We just do what the corporate hive demand. Sometimes they tell us to do things………. Bad things……. to software. Above our protestations of “but that doesn’t make any sense”.

    Also, there does not exist anywhere a map that lists “economically disadvantaged shooting zone” or “white taxi gets jumped here zones” no matter how we would love them to exist. We blame Garmin. Damn PC bunch.
    Sincerely, the laughably paid IT Drones. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But don’t worry, you’re probably insensible by now with as much pain as you guys go through.

  • Parastocles

    Make sure the bunny ears are at the right angle. Maybe you need to break out the aluminum foil and make an intricate addition to the antennas. That’s why we carry the foil.

  • Old_NFO

    Heh, at least yours doesn’t stop at the county line…

  • Yogi Beaty

    My wife is convinced that Garmin is paid by random shops to divert traffic in their direction. I’ve become a believer.

  • markm

    It’s not just Garmin. I sometimes have to visit a customer in Fremont, MI, which is essentially a gap in the Manistee National Forest. The route from Grand Rapids is quite obvious on a map: go north on the freeway far enough to avoid the worst of the traffic jams, go west to M37, north to Newaygo, left on M82 to Fremont. 55 mph speed limits nearly all the way, average speed 50 mph.

    The route according to Mapquest or Google Maps: Exit the I-96 freeway at M37 north, right in the second-worst permanent traffic jam in the metro area. Follow M37 until you’re out of the city traffic, then turn left and stairstep across country on a half-dozen different county roads. This cuts a couple of miles off a fifty mile trip (if none of the bridges are out), but reduces the average speed to under 40, and burns more gas with all the slowing down for sharp turns and stop signs.