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Welcome to Adulthood

As of 2:00 pm today, I am in debt for the next thirty years officially a homeowner.

And now that the papers are signed and the deed is done, I would like to say this to my FHA mortgage underwriters:

You can call go eat a big bowl of dicks.

Thanks for making my Thanksgiving and Christmas a special hell, you bunch of intrusive, nitpicky, foot-dragging, nosy, paperwork-losing, non-email-returning, faceless sack of scrotum lickers.

If you were all dying of thirst in the desert, I wouldn’t sell you the sweat off my testicles.

Screw you all, in triplicate.

Comments - Add Yours

  • J-Bird

    getting close to my first as well, it will be USDA so praying it isnt quite as bad!

  • InJennifersHead

    Don’t sugar coat it, tell us how you really feel

  • Old_NFO

    Actually it’s quadruplicate, and you missed a signature on line 139 of form 234… /snerk off. Congrats!!! :-)

  • ICK

    Congrats! Owning a home makes Hurricane season that much more special…. :)

  • 9-ECHO-1

    I just sold mine and I echo your comments in triplicate. I don’t ever want to go through that process again.

  • BobF

    We’re from the government. We’re here to help you. Heh.

    As an aside, I’ve been in N.O. for the last 24 hours (leave Wed morning VERY early) and have consumed boudin, oyster po-boy, seafood gumbo, beignets, and cafe au lait. I’l making up for lost time. Tomorrow I’ll try to get ahead before I head back to Lower New York (Florida). Only downside so far I heard the Saints won from damned near everyone in the city. Crap.

  • The Bizness

    Was it your slick looking, smooth talking, piece of shit loan officer who was able to convince you that he didn’t fuck up and that the nameless, faceless, people who you never talked to… were the ones being unreasonable to ask you for the same things they ask from all potential homeowners? Having left that business years ago, and having worked all sides of that business… well, let’s just say my question was disingenuous.

  • A Non E Moose

    I’d remind them that you are a Paramedic and, hey look, my certification is expired. Can’t help you now don’t and get sued to bad is chest pain with gray pallor, etc. but expired is expired.

  • navymom

    Too bad you couldn’t have used our bank, they made the process of buying a house almost painless for our kids. But congrats on the house!

  • Daddy Hawk

    Congratulations. May you never look upon your mortgage as if you are paying for the privilege of being imprisoned.

  • Frances Bowman

    That industry seems to attract people with very special personalities–Happy New Year! Happy new house!

  • almost a homeowner

    i once had pre approval to buy a house, and lost the financing two days after the deadline for final signing. it was sold for cash less than three days later to an undisclosed party.