Welcome to Adulthood

As of 2:00 pm today, I am in debt for the next thirty years officially a homeowner.

And now that the papers are signed and the deed is done, I would like to say this to my FHA mortgage underwriters:

You can call go eat a big bowl of dicks.

Thanks for making my Thanksgiving and Christmas a special hell, you bunch of intrusive, nitpicky, foot-dragging, nosy, paperwork-losing, non-email-returning, faceless sack of scrotum lickers.

If you were all dying of thirst in the desert, I wouldn’t sell you the sweat off my testicles.

Screw you all, in triplicate.