This guy scares me, and not for the obvious reasons. Face it, Smilin’ Bob is about as non-threatening a purveyor of
false hope quality wood as you’ll find on television. Compared to say, Ron Jeremy on the Extenz infomercials, Bob’s a muppet. A Beanie Baby. A baby duck.
The only way Bob can inspire fear and loathing is if he were your proctologist.
Unless of course, he possesses a weird psychic hold over your four-year-old daughter.
And that just makes him positively fucking creepy.
When my kid hears that whistling jingle, she will drop whatever she is doing and run to the TV and stare, slack-jawed, until the commercial is over. Doesn’t matter what she’s doing – playing with Dora, taking a bath, sitting on the potty – when Bob calls, she’s compelled to answer.
She’ll squeal with delight and do the Happy Feet dance whenever she hears the jingle – you know, kind of like Bob’s wife right after he pops the magic boner pill.
We even re-enact the commercials. She knows them all by heart, and God forbid I deviate from the script:
KatyBeth (squealing breathlessly): “Daddy, it’s Bob!”
AD: “I know, Sweetie.”
KatyBeth: “Bob’s so happy!”
AD: “Right down to his corpus cavernosum, Sweetie.”
KatyBeth (humming the jingle happily): “What’s a corpeth cavewnosa, Daddy?”
AD: “Ask your Mommy when she picks you up tomorrow, Sweetie.”
KatyBeth (in the cutest four-year-old TV pitchman voice): “…and Bob has a new burst of confidence and a healthy dose of respect from the neighbors, not to mention a happy Missus at home. Yep, Bob’s livin’ large and steppin’ easy…”
AD (distractedly): “Mmmm hmmm.”
KatyBeth: “Daddy, what does natuwal male enhancement mean?”
AD: “Ask Mommy’s boyfriend, Sweetie. He should know.”
KatyBeth: “Daddy, can you smile wike Bob?”
AD: “Not right now, Sweetie.”
AD: “Baby, for me to smile like Bob would require a jar of peanut butter, a deck of dirty playing cards, some fuzzy handcuffs, and for certain women to lower their standards a lot.”
AD: “Let’s see if we can find something else on the TV, Sweetie. Like maybe a Massengill commercial. “