Dear Communicom,

You suck.

When I pay for cable internet service, I expect two things: speed and reliability. It’s bad enough that I could get faster downloads from DSL, but the fact that your obsolescent southwest Louisiana equipment craps out on a nightly basis, sometimes for an hour at a time, but it chaps my ass like cheese-grater toilet paper when every frickin’ little rainstorm totally knocks out all internet access for 48 hours.

And no, I don’t want to hear your drones assure me that you’re working on the problem. I want you to fix the problem. Permanently.

Until then, Communicom sucks, and it is my fervent hope that this entry will appear in the top results of search engines nationwide, so that every poor sap who Googles your company name will be able to read how much your service sucks big, greasy, sweaty donkey balls.

PS: FTD, you suck too. It’s bad enough that the big name in flowers will not deliver to just about anywhere in rural Georgia, but when you say you can deliver said flowers to my sweetie’s place of employment, and on a certain date, I expect the flowers to be delivered on that date.

Assholes.

Flowers.com just got my business from now on, and I hope some disgruntled suitor plants one of Mercury’s winged feet right up your corporate ass.

That is all.