Ennui

Sorry about the lack of posting lately, folks.

I’m in a rut, plain and simple. Writing, work, personal commitments… they’ve all blended together into a mind-numbing routine of late. Even EMS runs bring no surprises. I figured out long ago that the better a medic I am, the less exciting calls I run…

… and from the ennui I’ve experienced of late, it looks like I’ve gotten damned good at my job.

Rookie Partner says it all the time, “Nothing rattles you. You’re so placid, no matter how chaotic the call.”

He says it with admiration, but I hate to tell the kid that he may one day reach the point that I have, where EMS does not challenge him any more. He doesn’t need to know that never getting rattled also means no more of that adrenaline rush he still craves.

I see no sense in bursting his bubble while he’s still green enough that every call is a new learning opportunity, and honestly, seeing his mental lightbulb switch on is the best part of every call for me.

This feeling isn’t new to me, of course. This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced burnout, nor will it be the last. I’ve come to recognize it simply as a signal that my emotional batteries need recharging.

I need to hit the woods with gun in hand. A four car pileup with six critical victims may not be enough to get my pulse pounding any longer, but the whistle of wind over cupped wings or the stealthy crunch of a hoof on dry leaves has never failed to do the trick. I’ve had far too little of that lately.

I need to watch a few sunrises.

I need to see a few sunsets over the handlebars of my bike.

I need smoke and noise, and the clang of rounds hitting a steel backplate.

I need beer and good food, cigars and outrageous lies shared with good friends.

I need to make some new EMS friends from new places to remind me what it was I loved about this job.

And all of that means, for the time being at least, my writing is going to take on a decidedly more nostalgic tone. You’re probably going to be reading a lot more about guns and hunting, and less about my latest ambulance runs. If that turns off some of my medical readers, I’m sorry.

But I’ve got to rediscover my muse, and what’s going on currently just isn’t doing it for me.