Overheard On The Bolance

At 0330, in a romantically lit bedroom somewhere in Louisiana:

Woman: "We were having sex, and all of a sudden, he screamed."

AD: "And?"

Man: "And then blood spurted everywhere."

Woman: "It ain't coming from me."

AD: "And?"

Man: "And my privates hurt real bad."

AD (sighing because I am once again about to violate a Rule of EMS*): "Okay, lemme see."

Man (flipping away the sheets and looking up at me fearfully): "I hurt real bad, dude."

AD: "Ah, I see. When this happened, were you, um… how do I phrase this… having vigorous intercourse?"

Man and Woman: [blank stares]

AD: "You know, kinda enthusiastic?"

Man and Woman: [more blank stares]

AD (sighing): "Were you tapping it good, bro? Hittin' it hard?"

Woman: [blushes]

Man (proudly): "Yeah, I was. I was really plowing the short rows, man."

Partner: [gigglesnorts]

AD (suppressing a grin, and mentally adding a new phrase to my euphemisms for rough sex): "Yeah, that'll do it. You broke your penis, sir."

Man: "I didn't know you could break your penis. Will it heal on its own? I really don't want to go to the hospital."

AD: "You need to go to the hospital, sir."

Man (pressing hopefully): "Yeah, but it'll heal on its own, right? They're not gonna cut on my dick, are they?"

AD: "I don't know."

Woman: "Go to the hospital, baby. Somethin' wrong wit' you."

Man: "You said you've seen it before, though. What do you mean you don't know?"

AD: "I've seen broken penises before, but never one that bled externally. You need to see a urologist."

Man (stubbornly): "I ain't going to no hospital. I ain't lettin' nobody cut on my dick."

AD: "Sir, your penis is not supposed to look like an eggplant. Moreover, there are only two things that are supposed to come out of your urethra, and blood ain't one of 'em. If my junk was spouting blood like a friggin' pulsating shower head, I'd wanna get it looked at before it fell off."

Man: "Okay, I'll go to the hospital."

AD: "Wise choice, sir."

Paramedics have a pretty high threshold for what constitutes an emergency. Generally, if you ain't dying, we don't think it needs an ambulance.

But for anything that makes your penis spout an arterial blood spray, I'd make an exception.



*Rule Four of EMS: Handle no one's junk but your own.


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