What Is This “Need” You Speak Of?

At the Nebraska EMS Association spring conference this weekend, while chatting with a few new friends over beers, one medic lamented that his spouse had imposed a “buy one, sell one” restriction for new guns in their household. If he bought a new gun, first he had to sell one of his safe queens that he never shot.

Said spouse rolled her eyes good-naturedly and said, “Well, he has way more guns than he needs. Half of them he never shoots anyway!”

Silly spouse. What that have to do with the price of .22LR in Cabela’s?

First of all, I reject in principle the right of anyone who does not share my bed and bank account to tell me that I do not “need” a lawful product purchased with my own money.

Second, “need” is based upon the faulty premise that one can actually have “enough” guns, when math clearly says otherwise:

“If we let X equal the number of guns one owns and Y equal the ideal number of guns, then for any given value of X, Y shall always equal (X+1).”

I call this AD’s Theorem of Justification, commonly known to you non-mathematical types as, “Honey, but I really do need this one!”

I expect to be hearing from the Nobel Prize people shortly.

  • http://twitter.com/unwiredmedic Christopher Matthews

    You have just made all that high school math make sense to me!

  • Bob S.

    My answer “Hey honey, when the Zombie/Alien/Mummy/Plaque/Politician Apocalypse comes; which of your friends and family would you might not having a gun?”

    We have to look out for others right and I just want to be ready to help as many as possible.

  • Larry Card

    You can’t argue with math.

  • ScottLesovic

    He should implement the same policy for his wife’s shoes/purses.

  • DO


    I think the SO’s have already beaten us to the theory of justification. It usually manifests itself as “new outift,” “cute shoes,” or some such. They even take it further and say something along the line of “It was on sale.” “I could not pass up that deal,” etc, etc.

    Take care,


  • Old_NFO

    Ig-nobel maybe… Closely followed by the wives with pitchforks and torches… :-)

  • Gary W. Anthony, Msgt, USAF, R


    I can’t remember which book I read the story in, but Pat devised an ever expanding gun case and made sure that there was always X number of empty spaces. One day his wife comes upstairs and exclaims “when I was young I could dust that gun case in 10 minutes, now it takes me an hour”. I highly recommend all his books…but warning; people will look at you funny when you spontaneously burst out laughing.


    • DBHorbert

      If I’m not mistaken it was in the Grasshopper Trap

  • Cherie

    Spouse means she is sharing his bed and bank acount……LOL

    • Ambulance_Driver

      Of course, which is why I reject in principle *the government* (or any other citizen besides my spouse, for that matter) to tell me what I need.

      In the case of spouses, that’s what AD’s Theorem of Justification is for.

      Husbands, you might also point out how your wives already use this theorem in regards to shoes, handbags and other apparel. ;)

  • R

    I’ll second the recommendation to read Patrick McManus books until you have absorbed all his sportsman’s logic. Plus you’ll get to learn important skills like how not to use black powder in a chapter titled “Poof- no eyebrows”.

  • http://everydayemstips.com Greg Friese

    Theorem of justification is also applicable to bicycles, bows, fishing poles, skis, baseball caps, work gloves, and many other mancessities.

  • rd

    A radio guy / newspaper colunmist up here has a “48 hour” rule. If she does not notice it in 48 hours, it’s, “Oh That, It is not new, we have had it for years!”

  • Scott Kenny

    AD, I gotta disagree, and here’s why: “… one of his safe queens that he never shot.

    If he’s shooting them every so often, then “But I just couldn’t pass up this sale, honey, I saved $700!” is completely appropriate. But poor, abandoned safe queens? No, they should be in the care of someone who makes sure they get a good diet and regular exercise!

  • http://www.facebook.com/ffemtp Joseph Roberts

    Kelly, You made Stacie’s day when I showed her the article you posted on our conversation at lunch. Hopefully we can get you back up here in Nebraska for Spring EMS Conference and go shoot us some snows first!! Thanks for pointing me in the direction of my new soapbox in Nebraska, I am now on a mission to rid our state protocols of backboards!!

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