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New Year’s Fireworks Protip:

The proper sequence, boys and girls is 1) light, 2) throw, and 3) run.*

Get that sequence wrong, and things get messy, as in “wipe your ass with a hook from now on” messy.

Also, if you’re lighting off a 3″ artillery mortar, and the launch tube has a base to hold it upright as it sits on the ground, that’s probably because it’s supposed to be, you know… on the ground, and not in your hand.

*Or, you know, you could just not hold the friggin’ miniature bomb in your hand.

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