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New Year’s Fireworks Protip:

The proper sequence, boys and girls is 1) light, 2) throw, and 3) run.*

Get that sequence wrong, and things get messy, as in “wipe your ass with a hook from now on” messy.

Also, if you’re lighting off a 3″ artillery mortar, and the launch tube has a base to hold it upright as it sits on the ground, that’s probably because it’s supposed to be, you know… on the ground, and not in your hand.

*Or, you know, you could just not hold the friggin’ miniature bomb in your hand.

Comments - Add Yours

  • Nate Preissinger

    Had a guy a few years ago strap a 3″ artillery launcher to his head. He only set it off once.

  • A Non E. Moose

    My first call of the New Year was a full code. CPR not in progress type. Arrived to find a male patient DOA. That was at 00:04 this morning. I’ll trade you. On second thought, I’ll pass.

  • Old_NFO

    And how many fingers lost???

  • Raptor

    Kid who attended the middle school where my mother worked once waited to long to throw an M80. The real, highly-illegal kind. Lost his thumb, two fingers, a bunch of teeth, and blew a hole slightly bigger than a quarter through the side of his jaw.

  • Jedi Master Ivyan

    Several years back, while sitting in the car with his girlfriend, a fella lit a firecracker to scare her. When he went to throw it out the window, it hit the glass and bounced into his lap. Lost a testicle and a girlfriend.

  • Jeffro

    For some folk, each and every day is a new one, with fresh new learning experiences…..