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Overheard On The Bolance:

Sometimes, I can’t activate that verbal filter no matter how hard I try:

Patient: “I’m allergic to aspirin, Tramadol, Vistaril, ibuprofen, morphine, and all the ‘cillin’, ‘mycin’, and sulfa antibiotics.”

AD: “Uh huh. And what does each of those things do to you when you take them?”

Patient: “Aspirin makes it hard to breathe, plus my nose swells up and bleeds. Tramadol and ibuprofen make my stomach hurt. Vistaril makes me sleepy, and morphine plain knocks me out. And all the antibiotics give me the shits.”

AD: “You know, almost all those things you mentioned are known side effects, not allergic reactions.”

Patient: “Yeah well, I’m allergic to all that shit.”

AD: “I thought you said you were allergic to  Tramadol. You sure it isn’t Toradol? Very similar drug to ibuprofen?”

Patient (positively): “No, it’s Tramadol. I know what the fuck I’m allergic to, dude.”

AD (shaking nearly empty bottle of Tramadol at him):  “Then why are you taking it?”

Patient: “Man, why the fuck you asking all these questions, I told you I – wait, what? That can’t be mine.”

AD: “Prescription’s in the name of ‘This Guy’. That’s you, ain’t it?”

Patient: “That must be old shit. I don’t take it since I got allergic to it.”

AD: “It was refilled May 11, and there’s only 14 pills left of the original 60.”

Patient: “Fuck. That explains my chest pain, then.”

AD: “Doubt it.”

Patient: “Whatchu tryin’ to say?”

AD: “I’m saying that your current condition is in no way an allergic reaction, and that no matter how desperately you want to be, you ain’t allergic to Tramadol, and that I have my doubts about all the others except the aspirin.”

Patient: “Fuck you, man.”

AD: “Why you hatin’, bro? I just re-opened a whole world of pharmacologic options for your future ailments. You should be thanking me!”

A wise nurse/paramedic friend once told me, “Allergic to five or more distinct drug classes automatically equals a psych diagnosis until proven otherwise.”

This guy certainly qualified.

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