Observations From Last Night

1. Dentistry is best left to the professionals.* I don’t care if that broken molar has been bothering you for weeks. I don’t care if another week will pass before you can get in to see the dentist. I don’t care if you’ll save $100 on a simple extraction.

If your ex-wife says, “I have 2% Lidocaine, a 27 gauge needle, and pliers…”

Just. Say. No.

2. Teaching your seven-year-old to sing Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls will not be well-received by your ex-wife.

And telling her it was dedicated to her, in honor of her birthday, will not gain you any points.

3. The ex-wife keeps losing years, and I don’t mean lying about her age. She literally forgets how old she is.

If her memory gets any worse, she’ll be able to hide her own Easter eggs.

* Incidentally, did you know there is a book called Where There Is No Dentist, and that you can read it online? I didn’t, and now I really wish I hadn’t.