Oh JEMS, You Are Such A Headline Tease…

Florida man assaults crew with bloody limb.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a headline like that, I have visions of an ambulance crew and a passel o’ firefighters being held at bay by a psychotic man swinging the severed limb from one of his victims. Or perhaps, even his own severed limb. Perhaps he had a coyote date, and inadvertently woke the lady up anyway. I can see her calling an ambulance for such a situation.

I mean, here’s the hot guy she met in the bar last night, and sure he was a little drunk when he brought her home, but he seemed nice, and when she wakes up she discovers this raving lunatic who has chewed his own arm off at the shoulder. Who wouldn’t call an ambulance?

And to me, nothing screams “Leave me alone!” quite so much as a disheveled man, wielding his own bloody arm like a fencing foil, slinging blood from the freshly gnawed stump. That’s a 10.0 on the Weird Shit-O-Meter, folks. We’re talking Grade A War Story Material.

But noooooo, the actual story turns out to be something typically mundane; just another guy slinging blood and bodily fluids at the people trying to help him. I do a call like that a week.

JEMS, your headlines are a heartless tease, just like April Maloney in ninth grade.

Except, I got to touch April Maloney’s boobs.