Ambulance Driver Files A Day in the Life | Kelly Grayson
Hot Unit Clerk: “I just got dumped. What kind of person dumps their girlfriend on Christmas day?”
Ambulance Driver: “That sucks, UC. You want I should go kick his ass for you?”
HUC: “She. It was a girl.”
AD: “So, that oughta make it easier.”
HUC: “How does being dumped by a girl make it any easier?”
AD: “No, I meant easier for me. You know, to kick her ass.”
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Naive Nurse (staring at Contract Doc as he shuffles back to his room): “Uh, is he wearing what I think he’s wearing?”
AD (disinterested): “I dunno, what’s he wearing?”
NN: “Two untied patient gowns, over his street clothes.”
AD: “Oh, that. Yeah, he’s had that on all day. He still wearing the fuzzy slippers?”
NN (squinting): “Oh. My. God. He is wearing fuzzy slippers.”
AD: “Quite the ensemble, ain’t it? I’ve had to explain to several patients that he indeed was the Doc, and not a delusional escapee from the Psych Unit.”
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AD: “Damn, have you looked at the waiting room lately? It looks like a Christmas carol out there.”
Naive Nurse: “Which one? Cuz it surely ain’t Silent Night.”
AD: “I was thinking more along the lines of All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth. It looks like the annual meeting of the Leon Spinks Fan Club out there.”
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AD: “Hey, Lunch Lady! What’s on the supper menu tonight?”
LL: “Fish patties and potato wedges. Want me to put you down for a tray?”
AD: “Nope, I try to limit my servings of nasty-assed scrod patties to three a week.”
LL (defensively): Hey, we don’t serve ’em that often. Sunday was fish sandwiches.”
AD: “Putting it on a hamburger bun doesn’t make it a new recipe, LL. Shit is shit, no matter what you wrap it in. That’s as dumb as spreading baby shit in a submarine bun and calling it a Guacamole Hoagie. No, wait. You already served that on Saturday.”
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Old Cajun Man: “Mais Doc, mah hand…is she broke, chèr?”
AD: “Well, I’m not the Doc, Mr. Robichaux. But no, it isn’t broken. With the swelling where it was, it looked a lot like what we call a boxer’s fracture.”
OCM: “So why she’s all swolled up lak dat?”
AD: “Cellulitis. It’s an infection, probably from that guy’s tooth. That’s why I’m giving you these IV antibiotics.”
OCM: “Mais, dass good, yeah? I was afraid she was broke!”
AD: “No, not good. Hand infections are serious business. You’d have been better off breaking it.”
OCM (fuming): “Dat damned coo-yôn! He cause all dis!”
Cajun Wife (rolling her eyes): “Mebbe next tahm, you mek yo podnah brush him teef befoah you punch him in da mouf.”