Chronic Empathy Deficiency

When does “what happens on the truck, stays on the truck” end, and reporting misconduct begin? That’s the topic we tackle on this week’s edition of Inside EMS. Read, share, comment, opine.

Sometimes, I can’t activate that verbal filter no matter how hard I try: Patient: “I’m allergic to aspirin, Tramadol, Vistaril, ibuprofen, morphine, and all the ‘cillin’, ‘mycin’, and sulfa antibiotics.” AD: “Uh huh. And what does each of those things do to you when you take them?” Patient: “Aspirin makes it hard to breathe, plus my nose swells up and bleeds. Tramadol and ...

Sketchy Patient: “Wait, you can’t give me pain medication!” Ambulance Driver: “Sez who? Are you allergic to Fentanyl?” SP: “No, I’m allergic to morphine.” AD: “Not the same stuff, and I thought you said ‘my guts are tearing apart’ or something like that.” SP: “Yeah, but y’all never give me pain medication in the ambulance.” AD: “That was them, this ...

… fool me twice, shame on me. I’m a pretty liberal guy when it comes to pain relief. My philosophy is simple: if you’re hurting, I try to make it stop. Acute pain is not a character builder, and it is one of the few conditions most paramedics are well-equipped to manage. I don’t like to see someone hurting if ...

The proper sequence, boys and girls is 1) light, 2) throw, and 3) run.* Get that sequence wrong, and things get messy, as in “wipe your ass with a hook from now on” messy. Also, if you’re lighting off a 3″ artillery mortar, and the launch tube has a base to hold it upright as it sits on the ground, ...

Psych Patient (screaming): “I HATE MAYONNAISE! I NEED MIRACLE WHIP FOR MY BUTTHOLE!” AD: “Uuhhh…” ED Nurse (shrugging): “To each his own. I’m a Hellman’s girl, myself.”

Patient: “I don’t want to go to no hospital. I ain’t got no ride home. I’ll just go stay in my neighbor’s trailer tonight.” Deputy: “The medics just told you one of those cuts might need a couple stitches. Ain’t there somebody you can call to give you a ride home from the hospital? Patient: “There would be, if I ...

If you are 25 years old, with no appreciable health history… … and you’ve been sleeping in an awkward position for several hours… … and the limb you’ve been sleeping on is numb and tingling when you finally awake… … you are not having a stroke. You most certainly are an idiot, and quite possibly a candidate for forced sterilization ...

Protip: If you have imbibed a bit too much of the spirits, and you pass out naked in bed, whereupon you suddenly realize you are about to lose control of your bowels and bladder like a veritable Vesuvius of feces… … then the place to run is the bathroom. The. Bathroom. Whatever happens, do not – I beg of you, ...

Patient: “I play too many video games.” AD: ” … ” Patient: “And they make me itch.” AD: “And?” Patient: “And it kinda scared me.” AD: “And?” Patient: “And I think I need to go to the hospital to get checked out.” AD (sighing): “Get in the ambulance.” Patient: “Can I bring my video game?” AD: ” … ” As ...

It's been a long night, and we're finally getting around to washing the rig and completing station duties when the call comes in, "Cardiac arrest."

Dispatch Drone: "Head quarters to Borg Cube 69." Ambulance Driver: "Go for 69." DD: "69, we need you to respond to Fydallo Ho Expressway eastbound near the Chili's, red Chevy Silverado pickup pulled over in the emergency lane with his hazard lights on. 38-year-old male with a spider bite." [sounds of AD banging his head against the dash] AD: "Aaahhh, ...

Thirty years old. Eight months pregnant with her tenth child. At a bar. At 5:00 am. Medical history: Significant only for polybabydaddia, chronic and apparently uncontrolled. Mechanism of injury: An altercation with a candidate for Inseminator, 2011 Edition. I'll not describe her further, but let's just say that "employed" and "privately insured" are terms rarely used to describe her socioeconomic ...

I brought a patient into the ED early this morning with a medical issue. It was a serious, potentially life-altering medical issue, but the exact condition isn't important. Somehow, during the course of hand-off report to the triage nurse, I mentioned that the patient was fasting during Ramadan. The triage nurse rolled her eyes in disgust. "Whatever," she spat, "I'm ...

I think the next seizure faker I get, I'm going to gather the EMS crews and ED staff around to hold up little score cards for when she comes out of her "seizure." (wink wink, nudge nudge) Only problem is, no one has yet devised a scoring system. Should there be compulsory elements, like in figure skating? Maybe we could ...