Category Archives: Chronic Empathy Deficiency

Fool Me Once, Shame On You…

… fool me twice, shame on me. I’m a pretty liberal guy when it comes to pain relief. My philosophy is simple: if you’re hurting, I try to make it stop. Acute pain is not a character builder, and it is one of the few conditions most paramedics are well-equipped to manage. I don’t like […]

New Year’s Fireworks Protip:

The proper sequence, boys and girls is 1) light, 2) throw, and 3) run.* Get that sequence wrong, and things get messy, as in “wipe your ass with a hook from now on” messy. Also, if you’re lighting off a 3″ artillery mortar, and the launch tube has a base to hold it upright as […]

Overheard in the ED

Psych Patient (screaming): “I HATE MAYONNAISE! I NEED MIRACLE WHIP FOR MY BUTTHOLE!” AD: “Uuhhh…” ED Nurse (shrugging): “To each his own. I’m a Hellman’s girl, myself.”

Overheard On The ‘Bolance

Patient: “I don’t want to go to no hospital. I ain’t got no ride home. I’ll just go stay in my neighbor’s trailer tonight.” Deputy: “The medics just told you one of those cuts might need a couple stitches. Ain’t there somebody you can call to give you a ride home from the hospital? Patient: […]

Public Service Announcement

If you are 25 years old, with no appreciable health history… … and you’ve been sleeping in an awkward position for several hours… … and the limb you’ve been sleeping on is numb and tingling when you finally awake… … you are not having a stroke. You most certainly are an idiot, and quite possibly […]

A Helpful Hint From Your Uncle Ambulance Driver

Protip: If you have imbibed a bit too much of the spirits, and you pass out naked in bed, whereupon you suddenly realize you are about to lose control of your bowels and bladder like a veritable Vesuvius of feces… … then the place to run is the bathroom. The. Bathroom. Whatever happens, do not […]

Chief Complaint of the Night

Patient: “I play too many video games.” AD: ” … ” Patient: “And they make me itch.” AD: “And?” Patient: “And it kinda scared me.” AD: “And?” Patient: “And I think I need to go to the hospital to get checked out.” AD (sighing): “Get in the ambulance.” Patient: “Can I bring my video game?” […]

Soul Callus

It’s been a long night, and we’re finally getting around to washing the rig and completing station duties when the call comes in, “Cardiac arrest.”

Overheard On The Bolance

Dispatch Drone: "Head quarters to Borg Cube 69." Ambulance Driver: "Go for 69." DD: "69, we need you to respond to Fydallo Ho Expressway eastbound near the Chili's, red Chevy Silverado pickup pulled over in the emergency lane with his hazard lights on. 38-year-old male with a spider bite." [sounds of AD banging his head […]

Mother Of The Year

Thirty years old. Eight months pregnant with her tenth child. At a bar. At 5:00 am. Medical history: Significant only for polybabydaddia, chronic and apparently uncontrolled. Mechanism of injury: An altercation with a candidate for Inseminator, 2011 Edition. I'll not describe her further, but let's just say that "employed" and "privately insured" are terms rarely […]

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Kelly Grayson


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