I’m Baaaaack…

…and I’m sorry to say, the naysayers were right. Everyone who said, “How can you love this person if you’ve never even met?”

Well, they don’t know Babs like I do, I thought.

*sigh*

They were right. I should have listened to Nurse K. Babs was totally different than I expected.

As it turns out, BabsRN is a…dude.

Yeah, you read that right. A dude. Male. Possessor of a Y chromosome. Packing wedding tackle.

Babs’ real name is Maynard Finkelstein, and he’s a sophomore in high school. He lives in his parents’ basement, and he works the fryer at McDonald’s after school. He stands about an inch shy of five feet, weighs about three-fifty on the hoof, and has a really bad case of acne. He looks a lot like a Weeble with buck teeth. The boy can eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.

And you know, at first I was repelled and disgusted, because hey, I thought I had been professing my love to a hot blonde chick for the past few months.

But then, I started to see a glimmer of the inner Maynard, the part that manifested itself as the Babs I had grown to love. And folks, I fell in love all over again. I absolutely adore the disgusting little toad, despite the halitosis and racing stripe in his underwear.

Because you see, I’m not really a guy either. My real name is Tiffany Frippel, and I’m a senior at Ann Richards High School in West Bugscuffle, TX.

I’m captain of our cheerleading squad, and my two BFFs, Heather and Amanda, encouraged me to start this blog as my senior creative writing project. I mean, if two 16-year-old girls can convince the entire blogosphere that they’re virile, manly cops, I can do this Ambulance Driver schtick, right?

Anyway, I like, totally fell in love with the real Maynard, and we hung out in his room and played Guitar Hero on his PS3 and we made out and I let him get to second base and it was kinda nice and I realized that my lesbian thing was just a phase and that I totally dig guys who wear retainers and snort when they laugh. Plus, he looks totally hawt in his band uniform and when he plays his tuba for me, it makes me all tingly in my naughty parts and, and…

…I wanna marry Maynard Finkelstein and have his babies.

So as soon as he graduates, we’re gonna move to Montana and he’s gonna buy us a cattle ranch in the mountains and we’ll live in the romantic old farmhouse and raise our babies and I’ll make turquoise jewelry to sell in town while he’s out herding the cattle and we’ll love each other 4evah and evah!

And when we get married, Heather and Amanda are gonna be my bridesmaids. I haven’t decided which one is gonna be maid of honor yet, because both of them are like, really competitive and I’m all like, “Hello??? Isn’t this my wedding?” and they’re all like, “But I’m your best friend!” and I’m all like, “Whatevah, I don’t need all this drama...”

So anyway, I was so deliriously happy that I just doodled all in my diary on the bus ride home, dreaming of my sweet Maynard…

Tiffany *hearts* Maynard.

Mrs. Maynard Finkelstein.

Maynard and Tiffany: The Finkelsteins.

Tiffany Finkelstein.

Tiffany Frippel-Finkelstein.

He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you Babs Maynard Finkelstein.