Vignette From The ER

“Happy Easter, Ma’am,” I tell her cheerfully. “What brings you to the ER today?”

“I think I have pink eye.”

“Oooookay. Have you been exposed to pinkeye lately?” I try to keep my voice pleasant, and avoid rolling my eyes.

I said try, not succeed. Immediately, she gets embarrassed and defensive.

“Well, my grandson has it, and my eyes have been bothering me for three days since then, and they sent me home from work because pinkeye is so contagious…”

“It’s okay, Ma’am,” I reassure her. “Lemme look at your eyes for a moment.”

They’re both clear. No drainage, no reddening. If you squint real hard, both conjunctivae might look inflamed. That is, if you squint real hard.

“What can they do for pinkeye?” she wonders, “Because this is driving me nuts. I gotta get something for it.”

“Depends on whether it’s viral or bacterial,” I answer. “If it’s viral, we can do precisely…nothing. If it’s bacterial, we can prescribe some antibiotic drops.”

“How can you tell the difference?”

” Drainage, for one. If it’s producing a lot of filmy goop or eye boogers, it’s probably bacterial. The doctor might also be able to tell if he looks at your eyes with a slit lamp.”

“So how fast do these antibiotic drops clear it up?” she asks. “If it’s bacterial, I mean.”

“One average, about one day faster than…doing nothing at all. That is, if it’s bacterial. Takes maybe three, four days.”

“Oh,” she says, crestfallen. “Shit.”

“Yup,” I agree. “Have a seat in Room Four, Ma’am. The doctor will be in shortly.”

I walk back to the ER Nurse’s Station, thankful that my internal censor is working correctly. I want to chase her outside, screaming maniacally, “and don’t come back until you’re actually SICK! This is EASTER, for pity’s sake!”

But I don’t, and I’m proud of myself.

“So what’s the deal with the lady at the triage desk?” Favorite Doc wants to know.

“An emergent, highly unstable case of pinkeye. We must intervene swiftly and aggressively, bringing all our resources to bear upon her affliction, lest her condition deteriorate into…redeye, I guess. All will be lost if that happens.”

“Does she know that – “

“-pinkeye ain’t something you come to the ER for, and that there ain’t much to do for it?” I finish. “Yeah, I think she might have gotten that impression from my demeanor. Perhaps you should tell her yourself, though, and discharge her tout suite, lest her condition cause me to come down with the pink leg for the rest of the shift.”

“Pink leg?” he asks, cocking an eyebrow.

“That’s where the standard red ass has started to spread out, Doc. I’m getting dangerously close.”