Overheard On The Bolance

On a lonely country road: AD: “Dispatch, we’re gonna need some help finding this address. Can you get us a flagdown?” Monosynaptic Dullard On The Console: “Uuuhhh… stand by.” Skinny: “This dude is clueless. We look like idiots driving around like this.” MDC: “Uuuhhh, CCT 586? Are there any sheriff’s deputies around?” AD: “If there were any fucking deputies around, ...

On scene at Bird of Peace Trailer Park*: Deputy 1: “Yeah, they’re both going to jail for domestic assault.” Deputy 2: “Even the girl?” Deputy 1: “Yeah, wouldn’t cooperate with me and tell me what happened. Tried to tell her I wasn’t interested in her shitty quarter-ounce of weed, but all she kept hollering was, ‘Fuck it, y’all taking me ...

Skinny (squirming uncomfortably): “Man, we gotta get to a station.” AD: “Got that not-so-easy feeling, have we? Meatball sub exacting its revenge?” Skinny: “I gotta drop a deuce.” AD: “Pinch a loaf.” Skinny: “Lay some cable.” AD: “Drop the kids off at the pool.” Skinny: “Take the Browns to the Super Bowl.” AD: “Give birth to a tar baby.” Skinny: ...

From earlier this shift: AD:“Howdy, Mercy General, this is AD on Borg Cube 564. We’re five minutes out with Freda Frequent Flier.” ED Nurse: “And what malady inflicts Freda today?” AD: “Acute exacerbation of chronic Freda Frequent Flier.” ED Nurse: “It’s a full-time job, being Freda.” AD: “The drama of her life requires a cast of thousands. And tonight, you ...

AD (reading directly from dispatch notes on our data terminal): “Patient is a 34-year-old female who swallowed a handful of Flintstones vitamins, and now feels as if some of them are stuck in her throat.” Partner: “How ironic it would be to choke to death on vitamins…” AD (continuing): “Patient states she is no longer choking but her throat is ...

Gas station clerk: “He’s drunk, and trespassing. When I asked him to leave, he made like he was going to sit on one of the concrete pump barriers, pretended to fall off of it, and now he won’t stop screaming.” AD: “What’s your name, sir?” Patient:“AAAUGH! AAAARGH! WOOOO! GAWD HAVE MERCY!” AD: “Luther, is that you?” Patient (nodding) “WAAUGH! LAWDY ...

Day Medic: “Dude, it’s 6:20! Best get started on your beauty regimen, because I’m ready to get up outta here!” AD: “Fear not, Ma’am. I shall be in uniform and ready to save lives at the duly appointed time, for my beauty regimen does not take long.” DM (looking dubious): “…” AD: “When you start with a baseline of beautiful, ...

Earlier this evening in the way to work: AD: “Hey, Soop. I’m gonna be about 20 minutes late for my shift. Got tied up taking my kid to the optometrist.” Supervisor: “That’s what, three tardies for you this year? You’re fired.” AD: “You wish. I haven’t been tardy in over three years.” Supervisor: “Okay, thanks for the heads up. I’ll ...

Call from a little while ago: AD: “Dude, I know your veins are shot, but I’m gonna have to stick you anyway. Your pressure sucks.” Very Sick Tattooed Dude (sighing): “Do what you gotta do, man. Good luck finding one.” *Five minutes later* AD: “When this is all over, you need one new tatt, dude.” VSTD: “Oh yeah, what?” AD: ...