Dear Dispatch Drone,

I realize that it has been so long since your assimilation into the Collective that you have long ago lost the capacity for independent thought.

I realize that, as a veteran dispatcher, the real world has faded to a gauzy, ephemeral shadow realm nibbling at the borders of that pool of light cast by your computer screen.

I also acknowledge that, as a former street medic, the lobotomy necessary to be assigned to dispatch was not your choice.

But for pity’s sake, man, pull your head out of your ass, you mouth-breathing, monosynaptic, booger-eating dullard.

In the spirit of the post-response performance critique, I’d like to point out that the time to message us with the correct directions to the scene is while we are still on the way, not five minutes after we have pressed the “AT SCENE” button on the data terminal. Because by then we’re, you know, already inside the house, usually trying to explain why we wandered around the neighborhood aimlessly for ten minutes, without coming right out and saying that our dispatcher has the cognitive ability of a garden slug.

I’d also like to point out that the “unconscious 2-year-old” you sent us for is a far cry from the “80-year-old with weakness” that we actually found, both in pathology and pucker factor.

Now, before you blame those mistakes on miscommunication from a panicked caller, keep in mind that I have long experience with your dispatch style, and I spoke to the 911 caller in question. He was calm, and perfectly lucid.

You, on the other hand, have not been lucid since the first Clinton administration.

With companies as large as The Borg, I suppose it is inevitable that we assimilate an occasional intellectually inferior bioform into the Collective. Usually, such a mistake only makes for a momentary “DUHR” ripple through the Hive Mind.

But you, however, are so irredeemably stupid that I cannot help but conclude that, were we to purge you from the Hive, the IQ of the Collective would instantaneously increase to the point that a 911 system and a Dispatch Hive would become obsolete.

We’d all be so smart that we’d be able to telepathically sense an emergency, and the nearest Borg unit would automatically head that way, without the need for directions from the Central Hive.

We’d be totally unstoppable, but for you.

Love and kisses,

Ambulance Driver

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